I was told the following from a trust worthy source (Spoiler: Everyone) "This movie isn't good enough for you, dude. If you're going to watch it. Watch it high. Honestly, you're not even going to want to review it. You'll probably rage. Just write the review as you watch it like usual, but high and just do it that way. FUCK IT!!! DO IT LIVE!!!!"
Alrighty,
[STARTING SEQUENCE WITH DINOSAURS RUNNING]
I don't honestly think they tried. Really. I think some dingbat was told "just add dinosaurs - people like those. Did you hear about Jurassic World? Jerry from last weekend--the guy with the tie? Yeah, he just signed for preproduction. So...Dinosaurs...running," and they did. Wow. The CG isn't even that great and that's really saying something.
[INTRO FOR WALLERG]
I liked this short establish-er. especially that it didn't pretend the aliens didn't invade Chicago.
[GIRL INTRO]
Gone are the days of Meghan Fox's super hot ass being a twerp. Gone are the boyish adventures of yesteryear. Nope, now we've got Marky Mark acting like...Marky Mark. And the rest of the characters are just as goofy. This whole movie was fucking goofy.
[WEIRD TRANSFORMER BUY SCENE]
This movie is so bad it became self-aware...already. 5 mins in. "All those sequels and crap" or something, passively mentioned within THE FIRST 10 lines of dialogue. Painful.
[MARK HITTING ON HIS DAUGHTER]
Let's get one thing straight. Mark Wallberg might be a great dad, or he might not have a kid in real life (I have no idea and it's not my business). That said, he is about as "fatherly" in this film as my alcoholic ex-girlfriend. Obviously, he's not supposed to be the best dad, but even with the shitty Hollywood zoom cuts, I couldn't believe for an instant he was that girl's father.
[CIA INTRO]
Horrifying and way-too-goofy as it is, I think the meeting with the CIA is probably exactly how this goes down in real life. That is how our country is really run. I'm going to write some scenes like this about a man who gets a job reporting to the president. He is a former Marine and has PTSD. He snaps and destroys the country. Sounds pretty interesting. The FBI will probably come after me for writing it, despite the 1st amendment. That just means they can't make laws or press charges. Doesn't say anything about profile, and make threat assessments. Actually, that'll be part of the story.
Jesus...I'm honestly just so bored with the father/daughter dynamic that I am already done with this.
[BOY INTRO]
HAHAHAHHAHAHHA I can't believe how goofy this is. The gritty iron and rust and bullets was what made the movies compelling. The charm and overtone of the comedy in the first was like kissing a baby on the forehead. Now it's just a creepy adult.
["Call...911!!!"]
THERE IS A FUCKING MISSLE **BOUNCING** WITH GOOFY FUCKING SOUND EFFECTS. IT IS FUCKING**BOUNCING AROUND THE ROOM!! WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK!?**.
[OPTIMIST PRIME]
This movie is awful. How the fuck did this honestly get made?! "Human bad!" seems the motif...if they haven't shoved it down my throat hard enough...
**WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS SHIT?! WHO WOULD ENJOY THIS MOVIE!?!**
[Deceptacon]
Wow. So creative. A man in a metal suit.... oh wait, just a large metal man.
Why is he British?
[Goofy guy fighting with Marky Mark]
Laughable...not.
[CIA planning]
Yeah sure just have the classified convo in the fucking hall way walking in the building kek
["Our Spark" "Yeah we call it a soul] HAHAHAHAH WHAT?!
[CIA]
A bit cliche, but pretty legit.
My eyes are hurting. For awhile I'll take a break and just watch.
[20 mins later]
So, I actually started it over by mistake because Netflix crashed but I got so bored and sidetracked that I started writing a blog post...and instead it played back and got past how far I was in lol then my friend came in. We're talking about stealing Continental breakfasts. lol i will comment and say "lol they killed that goofy dude off in a VERY NOT goofy way...wtf"
So, I actually started it over by mistake because Netflix crashed but I got so bored and sidetracked that I started writing a blog post...and instead it played back and got past how far I was in lol then my friend came in. We're talking about stealing Continental breakfasts. lol i will comment and say "lol they killed that goofy dude off in a VERY NOT goofy way...wtf"
[Billionaire/Boyfriend/Bar Garage]
I labeled it by the characters because there is no plot. They're just goofing off meeting the autobots. With goofy sound effects.
I labeled it by the characters because there is no plot. They're just goofing off meeting the autobots. With goofy sound effects.
Que The Dark Knight music. LMFAO what is this fucking move?! WHO MADE THIS?!!? This is frame by frame The Dark Knight.
"Wtf is this movie...bro...if I saw this in threaters, I would be throwing a hissy!"
my friend: "HOLY SHIT! IT IS FRAIZURE! ....dude this movie is really really bad..."
Honestly, I can take Fraziure more seriously than Marky Mark is taking himself in this. Pain and Gain was more advanced than this shit-show.
The goofy CGI and half assed sound effects. What the fuck? Why are the sound effects so bad after "Where is Optomis Prime?" This movie is half finished at best.
["That's company property!"]
"Wtf is this movie...bro...if I saw this in threaters, I would be throwing a hissy!"
my friend: "HOLY SHIT! IT IS FRAIZURE! ....dude this movie is really really bad..."
Honestly, I can take Fraziure more seriously than Marky Mark is taking himself in this. Pain and Gain was more advanced than this shit-show.
The goofy CGI and half assed sound effects. What the fuck? Why are the sound effects so bad after "Where is Optomis Prime?" This movie is half finished at best.
["That's company property!"]
I almost turned it off. I really did.
All of these are noncharacters.
Why is the there a net and not a tractor beam? Wtf?
How can Mark Wallberg jump like 15 feet in the air with clean pants?!
Are we really doing a slow motion "NOooooooo0o0o0o0o0o0o0!" Movie for 4 year olds confirmed.
Are we supposed to believe that's a real mustache?
Are we really doing a slow motion "NOooooooo0o0o0o0o0o0o0!" Movie for 4 year olds confirmed.
Are we supposed to believe that's a real mustache?
Why is Optomis Prime groaning in ...pain?
Wait wait wait...who the fuck built Prime? Someone BUILT Cybertron? So the Allspark....just ignore that? Or was that "Built". is that their "soul" (verbatim). Fuck this movie.
Who the fuck is that Blue Samurai bot?
Wait wait wait...who the fuck built Prime? Someone BUILT Cybertron? So the Allspark....just ignore that? Or was that "Built". is that their "soul" (verbatim). Fuck this movie.
Who the fuck is that Blue Samurai bot?
"Let's rock!"
[The Dark Knight music intensifies]
Did someone in the Alien weapon's room say "nigger"? Wtf?
Did someone in the Alien weapon's room say "nigger"? Wtf?
The Shaky Camera(TM) is being used to cover a lack of planning lol they shot this on the fly.
Of course the "swords" shoot human bullets...
Of course the "swords" shoot human bullets...
In 20 years this will be what D rate movies CG look like. And it will look ridiculous compared to good movies.
"Bitch. You're dead." ...what?
I knew Wallberg was a trap to watch this shit. Who the fuck wrote this? They're just gonna go walk out on a bridge? Omfg.
I knew Wallberg was a trap to watch this shit. Who the fuck wrote this? They're just gonna go walk out on a bridge? Omfg.
Great robot hell hounds are attacking. What next a puffmellow walking in teh city?
Also can we talk about the deus ex machina when he drove that car out of the building onto a ramp at teh start of this shit fest?
**WHY THE FUCK WERE THEY ALLOWED TO PUT THIS IN THREATERS!! THIS IS THEM LAUGHING AT US!!**
oh cool we're doing the Jupitar Ascending, Avengers sequence(TM). Cool.
Kid: woo I got one!
Marky Mark: These alien guns kick ass.
Someone actually wrote this. I don't honestly believe this movie was ever written in script format. I think they just showed up to film some stuff and then just made up some dialogue. This is like a poorly dubbed Japanese film. And the Budlight Platinum placement? Guys...Beautiful. Fucking beautiful. I hope you fucking die.
Marky Mark: These alien guns kick ass.
Someone actually wrote this. I don't honestly believe this movie was ever written in script format. I think they just showed up to film some stuff and then just made up some dialogue. This is like a poorly dubbed Japanese film. And the Budlight Platinum placement? Guys...Beautiful. Fucking beautiful. I hope you fucking die.
>Implying you can trust everyone in there and the room isn't bugged.
>screams about the CIA and the secret plot to move to China.
>goes on a rant about perfection and mistakes and not making them.
>screams about the CIA and the secret plot to move to China.
>goes on a rant about perfection and mistakes and not making them.
Optomis: You don't know who's controlling who.
Omfg what the fuck is this voice over narrator sequence? This is the most awful excuse for a plot I've ever seen.
HAHAHAHAH THE LITERAL FLASHBACK!!
omfg the straying cut away to Aliens and shit. This is awful.
omfg the straying cut away to Aliens and shit. This is awful.
if this music starts a montage i'll rage...also who is this hot Asian? And why is he telling her this plot?
lol fuck hotels we oogles.
"hahaha i love this" Hollywood is laughing at us.
Who the fuck are these noncharacters doing random chaotic shit? and the camera is shaking. I don't shake that bad when I'm fucking drunk or on ecstasy.
HA HA HA THEY SAID THE F WORD. OOOOOOOOo000o0oo0o0
that fight sequence was pretty legit
did he just pull a fucking knife? and then get hit with a football and die? awful. awful.
if every line was said by someone with down syndrome this would actually be funny. I imagine whoever wrote this script was trying to make it retarded.
"come and get some! you're all gonna die!" They literally let a 5 year old write this at the breakfast table. I imagine a kid smashing toys together saying this stuff. "I'm like a fat ballerina who slits throats" omfg "cootchy...cootchy..coo!" (the 5 year old daughter grabbed an action figure).
"come and get some! you're all gonna die!" They literally let a 5 year old write this at the breakfast table. I imagine a kid smashing toys together saying this stuff. "I'm like a fat ballerina who slits throats" omfg "cootchy...cootchy..coo!" (the 5 year old daughter grabbed an action figure).
The violin music...
The sound effects are so half baked.
The m-16 sword...right.
"No! Impossible! They're ruining everything!" IS THIS POWER RANGERS?! STOP THE FUCKING MONOLOGING!
I'm now convinced they're using one-line zingers to hide important movement sounds. Similarly they use intense music to hide the fact the sound is literally nonexistent. I could do better.
at the end of this scene: "I hate cheap knock offs" top kek. this movie is so fucking self-aware.
The only thing that keeps this movie from being LOL funny is the tone. "Here's this car!" imagine that as a mocking god like "shoe away child" and not all serious.
The chinese plot beat "we have to call the central government" they couldnt afford to use subtitles because everyone wouldn't even read them because they're probably doing other stuff by this point and this is just background noise between commercials.
"No! Impossible! They're ruining everything!" IS THIS POWER RANGERS?! STOP THE FUCKING MONOLOGING!
I'm now convinced they're using one-line zingers to hide important movement sounds. Similarly they use intense music to hide the fact the sound is literally nonexistent. I could do better.
at the end of this scene: "I hate cheap knock offs" top kek. this movie is so fucking self-aware.
The only thing that keeps this movie from being LOL funny is the tone. "Here's this car!" imagine that as a mocking god like "shoe away child" and not all serious.
The chinese plot beat "we have to call the central government" they couldnt afford to use subtitles because everyone wouldn't even read them because they're probably doing other stuff by this point and this is just background noise between commercials.
oh look....TRACTOR BEAMS!!!!! and what the fuck is with this "slowmo sound" covering the ...lack of...sound effects. lol oh cool the sound effects from an engine + palkia/starwars lizard(TM).
It's raining cars! Halaylooyuh! You know the SFX are amazing but the sound ruins it. Might as well be on mute.
This really is an unfinished movie. No sarcasm, no bullshit. I've seen half finished movies behind the scenes and I'm now (googled it) 100% certain this movie is an "unpolished turd." They know it's going to bad, and they spend just enough money to release the CGI looking spiffy for theaters with 3D to gloss it, but the real work is actually audio. They spent too much money already knowing it would flop and they just cut losses. That's what this is. A disaster. A shitshow. A oh look Marky Mark is gonna kill himself lol
But back to what I was saying. I was starting to (as I sobered up) become acutely aware that the "zingers" are just beat markers. It's so test audiences, and people in charge during post production can pick and choose what the lines are going to be. Sometimes none. But they'll record beat markers anyway. "I'm coming for you!" "you're gonna die!" "Watch out!" basic things like that. It's an audio-track that is supposed to make it in in as limited a fashion as possible. Kids movies usually turn this up, which is what I thought this was. but it's not. This was a disaster so bad that they didn't even make a master audio track. They just gave up. The script must have been either unfinished or totally not inexistence. My guess? A lot of both. And a lot of apathy all around. This movie was garbage and it really is a shame and they should feel it. Fuck you Budlight lol
This really is an unfinished movie. No sarcasm, no bullshit. I've seen half finished movies behind the scenes and I'm now (googled it) 100% certain this movie is an "unpolished turd." They know it's going to bad, and they spend just enough money to release the CGI looking spiffy for theaters with 3D to gloss it, but the real work is actually audio. They spent too much money already knowing it would flop and they just cut losses. That's what this is. A disaster. A shitshow. A oh look Marky Mark is gonna kill himself lol
But back to what I was saying. I was starting to (as I sobered up) become acutely aware that the "zingers" are just beat markers. It's so test audiences, and people in charge during post production can pick and choose what the lines are going to be. Sometimes none. But they'll record beat markers anyway. "I'm coming for you!" "you're gonna die!" "Watch out!" basic things like that. It's an audio-track that is supposed to make it in in as limited a fashion as possible. Kids movies usually turn this up, which is what I thought this was. but it's not. This was a disaster so bad that they didn't even make a master audio track. They just gave up. The script must have been either unfinished or totally not inexistence. My guess? A lot of both. And a lot of apathy all around. This movie was garbage and it really is a shame and they should feel it. Fuck you Budlight lol
AHHAHAHAHH THE ENDING CREDITS "Do or die" followed by "I'm ready to go...I do it for you!" hahahhaha fuck you Bay.
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