Transformers: Age of Marky Mark. [2015] Action / Sequel Trap

edit: Transmorphers was better than this shit. This is Hollywood laughing at us in the most direct way possible. 

I was told the following from a trust worthy source (Spoiler: Everyone) "This movie isn't good enough for you, dude. If you're going to watch it. Watch it high. Honestly, you're not even going to want to review it. You'll probably rage. Just write the review as you watch it like usual, but high and just do it that way. FUCK IT!!! DO IT LIVE!!!!"

Alrighty,

[STARTING SEQUENCE WITH DINOSAURS RUNNING]

I don't honestly think they tried. Really. I think some dingbat was told "just add dinosaurs - people like those. Did you hear about Jurassic World? Jerry from last weekend--the guy with the tie? Yeah, he just signed for preproduction. So...Dinosaurs...running," and they did. Wow. The CG isn't even that great and that's really saying something.


[INTRO FOR WALLERG]

I liked this short establish-er. especially that it didn't pretend the aliens didn't invade Chicago.

[GIRL INTRO]

Gone are the days of Meghan Fox's super hot ass being a twerp. Gone are the boyish adventures of yesteryear. Nope, now we've got Marky Mark acting like...Marky Mark. And the rest of the characters are just as goofy. This whole movie was fucking goofy.

[WEIRD TRANSFORMER BUY SCENE]

This movie is so bad it became self-aware...already. 5 mins in. "All those sequels and crap" or something, passively mentioned within THE FIRST 10 lines of dialogue. Painful.

[MARK HITTING ON HIS DAUGHTER]

Let's get one thing straight. Mark Wallberg might be a great dad, or he might not have a kid in real life (I have no idea and it's not my business). That said, he is about as "fatherly" in this film as my alcoholic ex-girlfriend. Obviously, he's not supposed to be the best dad, but even with the shitty Hollywood zoom cuts, I couldn't believe for an instant he was that girl's father.


[CIA INTRO]


Horrifying and way-too-goofy as it is, I think the meeting with the CIA is probably exactly how this goes down in real life. That is how our country is really run. I'm going to write some scenes like this about a man who gets a job reporting to the president. He is a former Marine and has PTSD. He snaps and destroys the country. Sounds pretty interesting. The FBI will probably come after me for writing it, despite the 1st amendment. That just means they can't make laws or press charges. Doesn't say anything about profile, and make threat assessments. Actually, that'll be part of the story.

Jesus...I'm honestly just so bored with the father/daughter dynamic that I am already done with this.



[BOY INTRO]

HAHAHAHHAHAHHA I can't believe how goofy this is. The gritty iron and rust and bullets was what made the movies compelling. The charm and overtone of the comedy in the first was like kissing a baby on the forehead. Now it's just a creepy adult.

["Call...911!!!"]


THERE IS A FUCKING MISSLE **BOUNCING** WITH GOOFY FUCKING SOUND EFFECTS. IT IS  FUCKING**BOUNCING AROUND THE ROOM!! WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK!?**.

[OPTIMIST PRIME]
This movie is awful. How the fuck did this honestly get made?! "Human bad!" seems the motif...if they haven't shoved it down my throat hard enough...

**WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS SHIT?! WHO WOULD ENJOY THIS MOVIE!?!**



[Deceptacon]

Wow. So creative. A man in a metal suit.... oh wait, just a large metal man.
Why is he British?

[Goofy guy fighting with Marky Mark]

Laughable...not.

[CIA planning]
Yeah sure just have the classified convo in the fucking hall way walking in the building kek

["Our Spark" "Yeah we call it a soul] HAHAHAHAH WHAT?!


[CIA]

A bit cliche, but pretty legit.

My eyes are hurting. For awhile I'll take a break and just watch.

[20 mins later]

So, I actually started it over by mistake because Netflix crashed but I got so bored and sidetracked that I started writing a blog post...and instead it played back and got past how far I was in lol then my friend came in. We're talking about stealing Continental breakfasts. lol i will comment and say "lol they killed that goofy dude off in a VERY NOT goofy way...wtf"

 [Billionaire/Boyfriend/Bar Garage]
I labeled it by the characters because there is no plot. They're just goofing off meeting the autobots. With goofy sound effects.

Que The Dark Knight music. LMFAO what is this fucking move?! WHO MADE THIS?!!? This is frame by frame The Dark Knight.

"Wtf is this movie...bro...if I saw this in threaters, I would be throwing a hissy!"

my friend: "HOLY SHIT! IT IS FRAIZURE! ....dude this movie is really really bad..."

Honestly, I can take Fraziure more seriously than Marky Mark is taking himself in this. Pain and Gain was more advanced than this shit-show.

The goofy CGI and half assed sound effects. What the fuck? Why are the sound effects so bad after "Where is Optomis Prime?" This movie is half finished at best.


["That's company property!"]

I almost turned it off. I really did.

All of these are noncharacters.

Why is the there a net and not a tractor beam? Wtf?

How can Mark Wallberg jump like 15 feet in the air with clean pants?!

Are we really doing a slow motion "NOooooooo0o0o0o0o0o0o0!" Movie for 4 year olds confirmed.

Are we supposed to believe that's a real mustache? 

Why is Optomis Prime groaning in ...pain?

Wait wait wait...who the fuck built Prime? Someone BUILT Cybertron? So the Allspark....just ignore that? Or was that "Built". is that their "soul" (verbatim). Fuck this movie.

Who the fuck is that Blue Samurai bot?

"Let's rock!" 

[The Dark Knight music intensifies]



Did someone in the Alien weapon's room say "nigger"? Wtf?

The Shaky Camera(TM) is being used to cover a lack of planning lol they shot this on the fly.

Of course the "swords" shoot human bullets...

In 20 years this will be what D rate movies CG look like. And it will look ridiculous compared to good movies.

"Bitch. You're dead." ...what?

I knew Wallberg was a trap to watch this shit. Who the fuck wrote this? They're just gonna go walk out on a bridge? Omfg.

Great robot hell hounds are attacking. What next a puffmellow walking in teh city?

Also can we talk about the deus ex machina when he drove that car out of the building onto a ramp at teh start of this shit fest?

**WHY THE FUCK WERE THEY ALLOWED TO PUT THIS IN THREATERS!! THIS IS THEM LAUGHING AT US!!**

oh cool we're doing the Jupitar Ascending, Avengers sequence(TM). Cool.

Kid: woo I got one!
Marky Mark: These alien guns kick ass.

Someone actually wrote this. I don't honestly believe this movie was ever written in script format. I think they just showed up to film some stuff and then just made up some dialogue. This is like a poorly dubbed Japanese film. And the Budlight Platinum placement? Guys...Beautiful. Fucking beautiful. I hope you fucking die.

>Implying you can trust everyone in there and the room isn't bugged.
>screams about the CIA and the secret plot to move to China.
>goes on a rant about perfection and mistakes and not making them.

Optomis: You don't know who's controlling who. 

Omfg what the fuck is this voice over narrator sequence? This is the most awful excuse for a plot I've ever seen.

HAHAHAHAH THE LITERAL FLASHBACK!!

omfg the straying cut away to Aliens and shit. This is awful. 

if this music starts a montage i'll rage...also who is this hot Asian? And why is he telling her this plot?

lol fuck hotels we oogles.

"hahaha i love this" Hollywood is laughing at us.

Who the fuck are these noncharacters doing random chaotic shit? and the camera is shaking. I don't shake that bad when I'm fucking drunk or on ecstasy.

HA HA HA THEY SAID THE F WORD. OOOOOOOOo000o0oo0o0

that fight sequence was pretty legit 

did he just pull a fucking knife? and then get hit with a football and die? awful. awful.

if every line was said by someone with down syndrome this would actually be funny. I imagine whoever wrote this script was trying to make it retarded.

"come and get some! you're all gonna die!" They literally let a 5 year old write this at the breakfast table. I imagine a kid smashing toys together saying this stuff. "I'm like a fat ballerina who slits throats" omfg "cootchy...cootchy..coo!" (the 5 year old daughter grabbed an action figure).

The violin music...

The sound effects are so half baked. 

The m-16 sword...right.

"No! Impossible! They're ruining everything!" IS THIS POWER RANGERS?! STOP THE FUCKING MONOLOGING!

I'm now convinced they're using one-line zingers to hide important movement sounds. Similarly they use intense music to hide the fact the sound is literally nonexistent. I could do better.

at the end of this scene: "I hate cheap knock offs" top kek. this movie is so fucking self-aware.

The only thing that keeps this movie from being LOL funny is the tone. "Here's this car!" imagine that as a mocking god like "shoe away child" and not all serious.

The chinese plot beat "we have to call the central government" they couldnt afford to use subtitles because everyone wouldn't even read them because they're probably doing other stuff by this point and this is just background noise between commercials. 

oh look....TRACTOR BEAMS!!!!! and what the fuck is with this "slowmo sound" covering the ...lack of...sound effects. lol oh cool the sound effects from an engine + palkia/starwars lizard(TM).

It's raining cars! Halaylooyuh! You know the SFX are amazing but the sound ruins it. Might as well be on mute.

This really is an unfinished movie. No sarcasm, no bullshit. I've seen half finished movies behind the scenes and I'm now (googled it) 100% certain this movie is an "unpolished turd." They know it's going to bad, and they spend just enough money to release the CGI looking spiffy for theaters with 3D to gloss it, but the real work is actually audio. They spent too much money already knowing it would flop and they just cut losses. That's what this is. A disaster. A shitshow. A oh look Marky Mark is gonna kill himself lol

But back to what I was saying. I was starting to (as I sobered up) become acutely aware that the "zingers" are just beat markers. It's so test audiences, and people in charge during post production can pick and choose what the lines are going to be. Sometimes none. But they'll record beat markers anyway. "I'm coming for you!" "you're gonna die!" "Watch out!" basic things like that. It's an audio-track that is supposed to make it in in as limited a fashion as possible. Kids movies usually turn this up, which is what I thought this was. but it's not. This was a disaster so bad that they didn't even make a master audio track. They just gave up. The script must have been either unfinished or totally not inexistence. My guess? A lot of both. And a lot of apathy all around. This movie was garbage and it really is a shame and they should feel it. Fuck you Budlight lol

AHHAHAHAHH THE ENDING CREDITS "Do or die" followed by "I'm ready to go...I do it for you!" hahahhaha fuck you Bay.

Nightcrawler [2015] Drama // Crime // Thriller

Wow. This movie delivers. One of the most compelling characters I've witnessed since There Will Be Blood. The arc is clear, the plot is direct and extremely tense, the cinematography is spot on frame by frame.

When actors take their rolls as seriously as someone like Gyllenhaal, it shows. His eyes are freaking spooky. He doesn't look healthy, and that's because he wasn't during the filming -- by his own choice. (I can't wait to see him in Southpaw!). His character is a sociopathic genius, possibly autistic, and incredibly cold and calculating.

It's been a long time since a movie made my heart pound. Beat to beat the plot plays out in an extraordinary fashion. There is little reprieve from the building anxiety. The next awful thing is just around the corner. His character is so disgusting and revolting that I hated myself for cheering--and when I find myself caring more about the characters than the way frames are set, or the way dialogue is delivered, you know the movie did something right.

His eyes. Seriously, those haunting eyes.

Watch this movie. Buckle up. It's a dark movie about a dark character and I couldn't really ask for a better set of actors, and certainly not a better plot.

4.6 stars of 5.

Jurassic World [2015] Action // Adventure

2.5 stars. Mediocre.

If I had to pick one word it would be glossy. There was too much gloss. Everything was shiny. Everything was pristine. It was okay. I mean seriously, what else can I say about it? It wasn't spectacular or revoluationary. The plot was about as predictable as it gets. The acting was tolerable. It was just okay.

Make no mistake, this is a REBOOT and nothing more. Save for the glossy new sci-fi technology and specialize effects (most of which we've seen before in TV shows) there is absolutely nothing new to find with this film.

Compared to the first movie, where the VFX was front and center, this movie just throws action bullshit and CG dinosaurs in your face. I think the dirties they got was one scene where they crawl out of the water onto mud. Compared to the original, where people are getting shit on, puked on, eaten, spattered by mud and dirt and water this was just a chase movie. It's not impressive. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. Godzilla was impressive. This was neither scary or impressive or amusing.

I also have to fault it for trite plot and subplots especially. I know it's supposed to be cliche, but there is a limit. The threshold for predictable vs necessary was tipped extremely far to predictable. The character arcs are also broken down like this:

Older brother: He is nice to little brother by the end. Okay.

Younger brother: Literally nothing as far as I can tell.

Red head: Not much. But she gets a boyfriend. She gets dirty? I guess...

Space Lord: Literally nothing. He gets the girl.

Black dude: Dies.

English Woman: Dies.

Indian guy: Dies.

NAVY Military "Bad" guy: Fails?

Literally nothing came together. Some shit went down...they got over it. There were dinosaurs. The end.

I wish this movie had gone more dramatic in terms of character depth. It's rated PG-13, but I think what I was craving was something rated-R. The danger (on purpose) never felt that close. It was always lurking, but never felt like it would get you or any of the character you actually cared about. The plot armor was too obvious.

There were also dozens of in-world subplots that amounted to nothing more than space filler, and distraction. Seriously, the whole "conflict" with the lab gear getting moved out felt like it could (and arguably should have) been an entire section of the movie. Instead, it, like everything else, is glossed over.

Mad Max: Fury Road [2015] Post Apocalyptic // Action

This movie pleasantly surprised me. I wasn't expecting anything more than a cliche or trite knock off / shitty Hollywood reboot, but what I got was a really great flick in its own rite. I think the decision to call it Mad Max was a great one. It's not really Mad Max, and short of an exceedingly brief monologue "I used to be a cop. Then the world ended. Whatever" and a few frames of him cutting his hair, it wasn't really the Max we remember.

Personally, I liked the old Max better, but that's just because I'm nostalgic. Tom Hardy really pulls it off.

The plot managed to stay just on the line between predictable Hollywood, and balls to the wall holy shit I've never seen that before. Save for a view trite moments, it was executed well.

High octane really can't be begin to describe this ride. It is start to finish, frame by frame the most violent thing I have seen in a very long time. It really is brutal. It's gritty. It's raw and rough, and exactly what it needs to be. Death comes easily in this world and only the strong survive. Period.

I would recommend this movie to those who can stomach the nonstop action and brutality. It isn't a blood bath, which is nice, and really gives a sense that the cars, and not the humans driving them are what is important.

The cinematography isn't ground breaking, but it is breath taking. Space is used as a filler between scenes. Realistically, the sets are the vehicles and I thought that was awesome. They're more like war-ships or space ships than trucks running on fuel. They can take nearly endless abuse.

Overall, I was greatly entertained and would certainly recommend this movie. Especially in 3D IMAX and high as a kite.

Birdman [2014] Comedy//Drama - Not Your Usual Movie, Not Your Usual Critique

Preface: I don't usually get so personal with my critiques of movies, but for the first time I'm going to spill a bit of myself into them. It's really the only way to appreciate the opinion for what it is, and it's also going to mark a new chapter in my career as a professional writer. I'm going to spill this blog into the other more frequently and with greater depth. To my followers all literally none of you, I hope this doesn't destroy any future credibly. Realistically, I don't care what anyone thinks anyone :) I want to share MY OPINION of this movie. As a real critic. 

It's such a beautiful day [2014] - Netflix

I asked my mom to watch "It's Such a Beautiful Day" and she actually sat through it. That's rare, because she's usually disinterested in television. And most things. She's actually just miserable. My mom is miserable.

When the movie concluded, I asked her what she thought of it.

I asked my mother what she thought of it. "So, what did you think of it?"

And she said, "I think I'd give it an award."

"Oh," I said, "for what?"

"..."

"...Based on what criteria?"

"...Well I liked it."

"..."

On the surface, It's Such A Beautiful Day is one of the most simplistic things I've ever seen, yet beneath the stick figure surface is a brilliant masterpiece of poetic expression that captures that little voice we all have in almost perfect form. It personifies what it means to be human. It's a stunning work that really shows what it's like to be in a character's head. It's funny, and it's sad and I'd go as far as to say it's profound. It's a work of art for certain, with a story craft not commonly found.

 There are a variety of artistic techniques used to blend the "stick figure" world together into "our world" and it goes to show that often we view the world in only so many different ways.

The best way I could describe it to someone who hasn't yet seen it: "It's the closest thing to thought transference you're going to find without drugs or guided meditation."

I think it's an experience more than a traditional film.

I don't want to spoil much more, but suffice to say, I too would give it an award. I'd base it on the following criteria:

* Use of musical accent

* Best use of imagery

* Best monologue

* Astounding use of abstract visuals

* Poetic

* Profound


9.2/10

Go watch on Netflix and make sure there are no distractions.

Robocop [2014] Thriller // Action ------ vs Chapie [2015]

C-
Stars: 5

Glitch why are you reviewing Robocop to Chapie and not the original? Isn't that an unfair comparison?


What's up internet: Today I'm going to do my review of Chapie and compare it to Robocop. {blah blah}

[Break away to prerecorded rant]


The scene where (Spoiler alert) this assclown, distraut, proclaims that "There's nothing left!" "noooooooooooo.wav" and all I could think was "jesus...there was nothing but a heart and lungs of this movie anyway...




What am I supposed to say? This movie accomplished exactly what it set out to do. Squander its potential and spend the budget on marketing. It does exactly what it proclaims to be...a passably watchable action flick,  and nothing more. The three step plan: Rip off old work. Half ass everything. Rake in the cash. I'll bet those smug fucks even patted themselves on the back as a bonus step.

This movie was so ridden with uncreative tropes and cliche plot lines it wasn't even funny. I really mean this in a literal sense. It wasn't funny. Even the few fleeting comic relief moments were just direly in need of some better writing. In fact, this movie may well have been better suited (no pun intended) if it had gone the route of Iron Man and actually embraced the comedy.

I think it's a crying shame that what could been a much  darker, grittier, more profound and intricate story line was instead reduced to lowest common denominator action figure or comic book level--and not in a flattering sense. Now before anyone tries to cut my internet throat over that statement and tell me "But Glitch! It's supposed to be cliche! It was a comic" I have news.

People of Intent....The comparison you are making, in this straw-man argument with myself, is that because a movie has been done before and because media exists in a cliche and narrow scope in a similar capacity or name, that the writers should cast aside all aspersions to be innovative or make an insightful and meaningful movie with impact. Sure not every movie aims this high...but why the fuck do we excuse the bar so low?

 We could have been given a masterful work of fiction...

Instead, we were shoveled shit in its truest sense. The directors and writers and producers laughed at all us all the way to the bank. They even had gumption to put Samuel Jackson in as himself in a parallel universe to introduce the movie.

Let's compare this to other movies before comparing to Chapie...

The Avengers:  This movie, although not in my top 10 favorites, was pretty damn good. The action was amusing, the characters, however played out, are compelling or at least engaging enough. They're fun. They're unique. The writing in terms of dialogue and diction is spot on, and the tone is consistent for what it is--a super hero flick. The averages is a good movie. The ending, as can be expected, concluded it nicely and sent us off with a satisfying bang (and a secret trailer at the end!)


Robocop: This movie, easily in the bottom 10, was pretty fucking awful. The action was half-assed and the danger never felt real.

http://imgur.com/gallery/vFRISBn



The characters, or lack thereof, yanked and demanded the spotlight with their flashy CGI suits, and then proceeded to do precisely nothing novel. The writing in terms of everything was horrific and so far off the mark they even threw in a tone breaking Sam Jackson sequence to close. It's felt like the writers flipping off the audience, not sending a message. There was nothing remotely satisfying about Sam Jackson dropping the F bomb.


Terminator Salvation: A movie that suffered from a few flaws, but overall made for an engaging, albeit a bit overly cliche and plot lacking experience. The CGI was decent, notwithstanding some cartoony parts, and the character arcs believable. It brought to question a few profound questions about man and machine and where the future will take us. Well executed, although still not something to write home about.

Robocop: A movie that died from its fatal flaws and made no attempt to stop bleeding. The CGI was akin to video game graphics, which I'm sorry Superman and {something else}, but that just doesn't cut it in 2014. We've got movies like Transformers 4 and dare I say it Jupiter Ascending. Mixing Guardian's of the galaxy cartoony fantasy graphics with Robocop just isn't working for me...

The character not once faced an enemy, be that an evil robo-cop, an assassin, a government agency. The character was simply thrust into a world where we are left to grasp at straws as to the bigger implications, while see the world through the narrow and extremely trite view of man's wife. When the POV literally switched to the wife, I knew there was a problem with more than just the tropes and poor execution of social {qusetioning?}. But we'll get back to that in a minute


Anyway,

A fucking love story as the main engine behind ROBOCOP!? A cybernetic man suit killing machine sociopath judge fucking dread shoot 'em up metal crusader and you're going to fucking go with a LOVE STORY?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!

You have a character, who similar to {Who} in Terminator Salvation is LITERALLY A HUMAN MACHINE and the most you can think to fuck with is his relationship with his wife and son? Who gives a fuck! Show us the politics besides a half-ass plot device called the "Drifus" act, flimsy and uninteresting police "drama" (the 4th amendment mentioned exactly never), or just the ever present evocation of the proverbial badman...DRONNNESSS ARE SCARRYYY D: D: D:

This movie felt like diving into an empty pool and it broke my skull just trying to reconcile what I'd just watched. This movie poked so little at the personal struggle or moral implications inherent with this type of technology that I just accepted defeat.

Instead, this movie poked at the social implications like a dead animal. What I mean is, the plot took a backseat to what we've seen a hundred times in more elegant form in movies made in the last 5 years alone. That's right. THE PLOT TOOK A SECOND SEAT TO THE BULLSHIT. Like Ro-Bro...are you even trying?

Terminator, {Other movies with A.I.}. This is nothing more than the common denominator smashed into your brain at 100 miles an hour.


There wasn't even a car chase scene.

The bad guys in this movie were basically just ...the same bad guy as every fucking movie...



And the good guy is just as Dreadful. *rim shot*

What makes a good movie is the ability to disguise these questions and implications, not flaunt them around and shake for an audience to see. That's hostage taking. It's not profound. I want my money back.

http://imgur.com/gallery/5y8yq -- Although I claim no credit for this, I think it's pretty funny and wanted to share. 

_____



Chapie here --







Next video we'll discuss -- "I'm horrified to imagine Ghost in the Shell with Johanson has Motoko. "