Jupiter Ascending [2015] Sci-Fi // Fantasy // Romance

C-
STARS:  4/10


If you're considering whether to watch Jupiter Ascending, ask yourself the following question:

* Do I like sci-fi?

* Do I like good sci-fi?

If you've answered yes, you should probably just stop now and skip this movie.

* Do I like inconsequential action, where the heroes always feel a half-step under immortal?

* Do I enjoy trying to piece together chaotic and incoherent plots?

* Do I enjoy flimsy characters about as compelling as a moldy ham sandwich?

* Do I like dead end sub-plots with as much forethought as the green-screen smorgasbord story-bording this movie's "Writers" used to piece it together?

Suffice to say, this movie was downright atrocious. Fully every aspect of this movie has been done before and done better. I will admit that watching Channing Tatum be out acted by real life Meg Griffin for the first 6 minutes was interesting, but suffering through another hour and fifteen minutes just hardly seemed worth it, despite how hot she is.

No amount of random space elephants, space dragons, fairy-sexual androids, or holographic cyber-tech could make up for the trope infested fiasco that Jupiter Ascending was. I could have perhaps forgiven the worst of the {adjective} pervasive Cinderella cliche's, had they at least incorporated humor in a "not even the writers could take this one seriously fashion" as we got with Guardian's of the Galaxy, but instead all we got was over an of Channing Tatum fruit-booting around a post-effects rendered scene. At least Mila Kunis is still hot.


http://www.imdb.com/media/rm550173952/rg1374984960?ref_=rgmi_mi_all_sf_44


Anyway, this movie was neither funny nor interesting. Just about the only thing going for this movie was the CGI.

So where did most of this outrageously inflated $176 million budget go? I'll tell you where it didn't go. The script. Comprised of some of the most trite scenes in existence, this movie is more filled with plot holes and technology inconsistencies than my {Something witty}. If I had a dollar for every time this movie ripped off another I'd have enough money to make a movie of my own...A better one.

I feel like the problem is we're still trusting these two with colossally over inflated budgets,

...Just because they got lucky with The Matrix doesn't mean they're going to deliver another masterpiece. Did we forget Ninja Assassin? The Invasion? Speed Racer? Cloud Atlas--a movie not even Tom Hanks could save. Jesus could we put a more forgettable duo on the case? I swear this movie would have been better cast, directed, and edited by these two.

You know a movie is awful when the theaters it plays in gives the iMax showing to Spongebob...after 9:00 PM. Who the fuck wants to watch Spongebob? Well...I guess more people than want to watch these two deep and engaging characters.... Angry immortal guy.....rat person...

And what the hell is with these English speaking alligator dragons, anyway? Where did they come from, what are they doing there and what's the point? This movie was so off mark, I felt like I was watching Fear and Loathing in Outer-space.

But at least it was creative...From the novel and innovative settings like, Naboo's royal palace. Startrek's bridge, Hogwarts...


Don't get me started on the wildly inconsistent technology. -- And what the hell was that "Tax Bureaucracy" scene, justifiable only for its "comic relief", something this movie needed like this show needs a Holocaust scene.




{Insert clip of burning rainbow village here with screaming and sounds from the movie rambo or something}

Anyway, Jupitar Ascending is to Starwars, what Pluto is to Earth...or Earth to Jupitar....or the SUN.
I wouldn't watch this movie again if you paid me to....maybe on acid. This movie was a trip, a crash and a burn in all senses of the word. From the floating beastiality space orgies to the  "we just build with wooden desks in space because of ...space trees" fully nothing came together and I'm sorry I ever watched it.

Only after writing this review did my buddy remind me of "what about Sean Bean's character?" a character so forgettable, I honestly didn't remember he was even in this film. No hyperbole. I'm serious. It was like Gary Oldman in Tinker Tiger Soda...butts...


Fuck this movie.