Chronicle [2012] Action // Sci-Fi

Grade: B
Stars: 8.3

"Three high school students make an incredible discovery, leading to their developing uncanny powers beyond their understanding. As they learn to control their abilities and use them to their advantage, their lives start to spin out of control, and their darker sides begin to take over. -- (C) Official Site"


DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty drunk typing this. Sorry y'all.


Alright, so Chronicle is one of those ridiculous "lost footage" movies that we've all come to hate...thing is, this thing smashes the mold and totally breaks the standard. It's freaking amazing!! This movie shocked me to be honest. It blew my expectations so far out of the water that I couldn't help but say "DAYUM".

The story is about three extremely plausible / realistic high school students who find a magical rock (or something) that gives them super powers. Basically, they end up with psychic powers that allow them to become Mewtwos or something.

The story doesn't go into depth on why, but strangely I forgot myself asking after awhile because the acting was surprisingly captivating and the realism / plausible story-line was so enthralling that I found myself completely immersed.

This is the only "lost footage" film that genuinely felt like both "lost footage" and a real cinema experience.
Acting, the acting is top notch, which surprised me, and the story (however linear) was extremely east to follow but by no means not balls to the wall fantastic.

The pace of this movie was perfect. There was never a wasted scene or moment. The cinematography was decent, and at some points extremely creative.

Anyhow, without giving spoilers I can say that this movie's climax was absolutely epic. I was not expecting it to be this good. It wasn't just some bullshit where things explode or characters die, it was fucking moving. It was profound. Further, this movie actually had a message and a lot of subtle themes stitched in, ranging from the classic (wah wah) don't bullshit, to child abuse.

This movie accomplished a lot in that it didn't follow the normal structure of a standard 'film' but still delivered the same punch and impact of fully any other film.

There was nothing too cliche or recycled from this film, and the side character Steve is the fucking man.

Basically, you should watch this movie. You will not be disappointed. It's extremely well executed and I would recommend this movie to anyone/everyone.

The Good Sheppard [2006] -- Drama // Crime // CIA

Stars: 7.9 (really, it's probably like a 6.0)
Grade: C+/B-

Personally, I am heavily bias for this movie. As many of you might know, I'm a huge history buff when it comes to the CIA and the Cold War as I publish another blog on similar topics and work closely with thepeopleshistory.net guy. www.noonesecurity.blogspot.com

This film inherently is nothing profound and I think it over-reached its grasp with what it set out to accomplish. It often times convoluted, extremely slow, and always always forces you to rely on a host of history you (the audience) simply don't have. Despite that, it's still a fantastic film. The attention to detail (specifically history and props etc) is staggering. Even the lingo (although little dialogue) is time accurate.

If you go into this film WITH that historical background, technologically, politically, and cultural, the movie becomes a beautiful masterpiece into the world of the early CIA. I think one of the most jarring aspects of this film is the fact that it takes place at two completely separate junctures of time, which are incredibly difficult to differentiate between, due largely to the fact that the main actor (Matt Daemon) is seemingly ageless. Although they try to show the difference by clothing and attire and background, it's still incredibly difficult to follow the story lines. Often times you are playing catch up and filling in blanks, but the pieces don't fit together.

Although I am partial to these types of subtle (Tinker Tailor etc) CIA films, this one takes the cake. This is *NOT* Jason Bourne. Understanding the characters and the way they're acting is something I don't think a film when compared to a book can accomplish. The story and character's profoundly deep story lines become more evident each time you watch the film (I doubt anyone would get through it twice...let alone 4 like I have). I think the director failed in this aspect. It is NOT captivating and it is not profound the first time.

This is the type of film that unless you lived it, studied it, or you're high as balls and don't care, you just wont enjoy. Don't let me deter you, if you've got the mind for it by all means watch it... but with a grain of salt that it's more a character study than a dramatic story of the CIA.

This movie starts with the creation of the CIA (watch this documentary http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pAmhsqqQqE) and ends just before the height of the cold war. The historical hints are so subtle (a news paper article, a passing character in the background, a picture on the wall) that the audience misses it. It's like trying to put all the nuanced pieces of 'There Will Be Blood' in context the first time. It's impossible, dull and isn't worth watching. That is the best paralle I can draw.

I think Daemon was well casted, as well his wife (who I believe becomes a cocaine addict in the 60s story line? It's not clear at all what goes wrong with that).

This is a realistic portrayal of espionage and concentrates more about the characters internal struggles than it does on high action bombs and explosions. There are few moments of tense conflict, but if you can look past the poorly thought out convoluted clusterfuck the move can be, it's actually fantastic.

I'd only recommend this movie to people with an interest for the history or who absolutely love character studies. This is the type of movie where if you haven't read the book, you're in the dark (I actually don't know if there is a book).

Still at the end of the day, this film is somehow still on my list of top 10 favorites.

The American [2010] // Drama // Failed-Thriller

Stars: 4 / 10
Grade: D+

The opening scene of this movie is fantastic. Fully everything after that point is down hill. There is no roller coaster. Just down. It was dry, it was dull, dreary, repetitive, and uneventful. This is perhaps one of the worst movie's in it's genera of all time. It calls itself a thriller, but it fails to thrill or even entertain in the slightest. It's like trying to understand Tinker Tailor Solider Spy, but there is literally no story to follow even if you could. It's just shitty cliche dialogue, boring shots of scenery in a foreign country and the vibe that something is going to happen. It never does. Although the trailer hyped it up to be a Tom Clancy (RIP) book, it was more like a textbook from the 40's. Dreary and dull. It honestly felt like watching paint dry on a screen.

Between the close ups and boring cinematography, you end up with a mess of story telling (what story?) and shitty character development. I just got done watching it (again) and I'm just as pissed as the first time. I can't honestly tell you the plot, because there is no plot. There is an American. He kills people. No one cares. Nothing happens. The end.

I really wish I had more to say about this review, but this movie was so profoundly uneventful that there is quite literally NOTHING to talk about. It's just George Clooney walking around and staring just outside the cameras field of view. Honestly? The movie was [in all probability] super realistic in its portrayal of the life of an assassin. Dull, and lame. More sitting than action.

This movie sucked. I really can't say more.

Gravity [2013] // Unclassified / Sci-Fi(?)

This movie was intense. It's beautiful. I'm honestly not sure what to compare it to, because there really is nothing else like it. And that's a good thing. A really really good thing. This movie is hopefully the new paradigm of cinema and first-person story telling. We've all seen that Blair Quarantine-Field REC nonsense....but this...this is something special. This is 100% the opposite of that bullshit.

I can't even say that the story was lacking, because despite the fact that the story is so linear, so profoundly simple, it's perfect. It's poetic. It is visually mind blowing. I think I clocked 12 minutes into the film before the first 'camera cut'.

The film utilizing all the things we've hearing about for years. Long exposure, no-motion blur, hi-resolution pixels etc etc. It's a work of art and technological accomplishment that really puts other films to shame. They need to catch up or shut up. Looking at J.J & Star Wars 6.

The physics, or the computer algorithms or wizard animators that figured it out how objects in space would REALLY react were of the highest caliber. There was no sci-fi in the physics or realism...only Sci. This is the 2013 "Apollo 13" of cinema mixed with cutting edge technology and breath taking scenery and the same quality acting from Bullock and Clooney. This movie can only be described as suburb, revolutionary and breath taking and stunning. Literally. Although there were a few points where ...yeah...it's a stretch to think it's completely real, at no point did my brain say "That's not even possible. That's not even plausible..."
No, all my brain could say was "Wow...that's amazing..." followed closely by "holy shit" you actually feel like you can't breathe.

I'm glad to have the chance to just describe things like 'Long Sequence Cinematography' something my second favorite movie 'Children of Men' pioneered. This movie however takes the cake. The Director of Jason Bourne should be ashamed of himself with that choppy sequence nonsense. This film honestly feels like you're floating through space and you're right there beside (or inside the eyes of) the characters.

 I wish I could give a better review, but there isn't much to be said other than if you've ever loved space, wanted to go to space, or thought about what would happen if the Movie "The Core" was actually even remotely good after it's opening sequence...you will love this film. The music, the sound (or lack there of) is all super nerve racking.

THE TRAILER IS NOT THE MOVIE!! IT IS DIFFERENT!

Go on a quite night, be alone in the theater, see it on the biggest screen possible, and absolutely spend the extra $ on the 3D. This is coming from the broke college kid who can only afford movies because his friends run the theaters.

Generations to come will look back and say "This...this is the movie that started it" ...alright maybe Avatar, but that shit is on a different page.

Tl;dr

See this movie. Everyone. Everyone should see this movie. It is an accomplishment for man kind. Really.

Prometheus [2012] -- Horror // Sci-Fi

Grade: C
Stars: 7.0

"Prometheus is a reboot prequel to Ridely Scotts Alien. The movie doesn't feature the Alien, but is still gorgeous to watch."

Gosh this movie was a disappointment. I actually prefer the trailer to the film. The coherent narrative was at least refreshing, but to be honest the themes, and even genera felt schizophrenic at best. Was this sci-fi, horror, chiller, philosophical, action, or just an overly self-indulgent smorgasbord board of bullshit from our lovely friend the writer / director / religious zealot Ridley Scott.

Now, I'm not going to rip into Scott that much, but let's be real here... Prometheus, compared to what it S/could have been, was a disaster. The characters were extremely weak to say the least, and all of them felt incredibly forced, and fake. Notwithstanding the main character, an actress who did a great job, although her accent was a bit obnoxious, every other character felt as cliche as the movie did holistically. It was absolutely a sum of it's parts and it's parts were broken, uneven, mismatched and straight up confusing.

Look, this movie was certainly no Alien, but it was worlds and bounds better than A.V.P. Of course, we all know only the ORIGINAL Alien was directed by Scott, but with that said, it may have been for the best. Prometheus was not advertised overtly as a prequel and I think that was the correct decisions. It is simply the same universe, but the story is, for all intents and purposes, completely stand alone.

Sure, we got a look back at the xenomorph (Alien) and unlocked some secrets about the "SpaceJocky" (can't explain it, go google it) but did the movie really have to include either? No. Not at all. In fact, the "Alien" featured in this movie was little more than an homage / tribute to the first film.  And you know what, that pissed me off. This movie had such amazing potential to be an absolute world shattering revelation movie where we see the Alien's genies in our (relatively speaking) life time and how it progressed to now classic 'Alien' film that preceded it...in the future...in space...

The plot is super meh. It's trying so hard to be something it isn't...profound. It was not true to it's roots and felt like a shitty Indian Jones knock off in space. The characters run around having seemingly random bad shit happen to them (snakes in the suit? wtf?), chased by holograms (wtf?) and I think the worst offended The fucking zombies. WHY THE FUCK WERE THERE ZOMBIES?!

Yeah, we can go on several chat forums and see what the self proclaimed experts take on it is, but if I have to resort to getting my answers from an external source (Donny Darko exempt) then I can't help but write the movie off as poor editing / writing.

Oh and one more thing, why the fuck was Guy Pierce even in this movie? It's so utterly pointless, since they dressed him up all old and shit. He must have asked for the part...it made no sense to cast him. None.

Alright, so without giving away spoilers of the (shitty) plot, onto the good stuff.

Visually, this movie is breath taking! I saw this in theaters and damn was I impressed. From the moment that giant space ship touches down on our pseudo-earth we know we're in for a serious ride. The visual effects are equally impressive, as I'm sure much of the story's cogent writing team was sacrificed for Ridley Scott's nonsense and a large CG budget. Yes, CG. The lack of aniamatronics largely disappointed me, but at least the CG was decent enough. None of that flashy lens flare J.J shit.

The movie didn't really feel scary, but did it at least sorta kinda-ish make you wonder about ...all that...profound like...stuff ...like ...life and ..stuff... I guess? I don't know, the movie was pretty subpar.

To wrap it up, this movie is a very interesting unique experience. It's not necessarily that fantastic, but in it's own rite it's pretty decent. I wish it had kept to a genera and stuck to it, or kept to a character and stuck to it, but it was over the top, balls to the wall, brutal, and did at least resemble Alien, even if it didn't capture anywhere near the emotion that Alien did.

I'd recommend this movie to just about everyone actually, although it doesn't come highly recommended. It's just a decent sci-fi 'horror' film (I think) and it opens a lot of interesting philosophical questions (where did we come from....where are we going etc).

Let The Right One In [2008] -- Vampire // Tragedy // Psychological-Chiller

http://www.johnsanidopoulos.com/2009/05/movie-review-let-right-one-in.html
If you want a really mature, in depth, smarty-pants review.... go read this instead. I didn't write it. That's for damn sure. I'm here to give a break down the way I'd give it to anyone on the street, using my words, the way you'd hear 'em if we spoke face to face. That said, I thought the movie was fucking phenomenal.

The story is about a 12 year old vampire who moves into a town in Sweden (Stockholm). The town is dreary, cold, and basically personifies Russia/Sweden the way you'd think about it when you think about alcoholism, hopelessness, depression, and hatred. It's just a rough town of hicks.

The opening sequence of this movie (a murder) sets the tone for the rest of this film, dark. This movie is clearly not American blockbuster Cinema. It does nothing to attempt to follow the normal flow of recycled cliche bullshit, where the scenes are expected and ordered, and the character slowly gets more powerful and then faces off with the enemy, striking them down right after their weakest moment. No. No, this movie is fucking brutal and cold. This movie if I had to draw a parallel can only be compared to Zodiac. That's the only other movie that made feel this way. It's actually very similar in some senses (tracking down masked murderers).

I should preface this review by saying two things:

One -- There are actually two different subtitled versions out there. One of which more closely adheres to the actual script/dialogue, and the other (I believe white subtitled version?) follows an Americanized version. To put this in perspective, there is a scene where the main character (Oskar -- 12yo boy) is being bullied in the locker room after his swim meet. The other tougher boys corner him, beat the ever living shit out of him and pull a knife. One says "now you know not to mess with us." and he says "I promise I won't tell!" The other version (the one we're talking about) says, and i quote "You say a word and we'll cut your pecker off and make you swallow it!"  - "no!" "squeal like the piggy you are and we'll let you go!"

Yeah, this movie is like that.

Two -- There is an American version of this movie with a similar title. We are NOT talking about that film with Chloe Moretz.

Anyway, back to the review. The noir-esque (is that a word) vampire flick reminded me very much of 30 Days of Night. Dark, cold, brutal. Especially the scene(s) with red, white, and black. blood, snow, darkness. It'd be way more impressed with my analogy, but the other guy apparently did it first (even though this review was written before reading his)

The movie is not an action movie, nor a horror, nor a chiller, but rather a mix of the three (not so much the action). Although this is a love story, it certainly doesn't feel that way. I'm not exactly sure what nuanced genera this movie should be classified into, but suffice to say whatever tiny nitch of cinema it falls into, should be proud of it.

The vampire character, the 12yo girl, eventually reveals to the boy that she is in fact, not human, and needs blood to survive. This is where the story gets a bit confusing. Not confusing in terms of story, but in hidden nuanced meanings. From what I've been told, it's a story about pedophilia, molestation, rape, murder, PTSD, Stockholm syndrome etc etc. I haven't read the book, but I did talk to someone about this movie for a long time, and it's pretty fucking fucked up.

Anyhow, the "love story" of this movie is incredibly childish, but is a fantastic example of how real life can often be so brutally exacting in its cruelty on innocents. By the time the movie reaches it's climax, similar to Breaking Bad's Finale last night, you already know more or less exactly what to expect when it hits....and oh boy does it hit like a ton of bricks.

The Vampire theme of this movie is central, but if you remove that element there is so much more to it. It's a gritty, dirty and coldhearted film, where abuse is really the underlying theme. This is no kids movie.

I think there is a lot to be said about a movie that can capture so much while saying so little. This is a movie where you need to read between the lines. It manages to both entertain, and tell a story, and give you a gut-wrenching look into the lives of an abused child, while still maintaining it's status as a watchable genera movie (vampire) without transgressing into Americanized horseshit, where the characters pause every three minutes to remind the audience what's going on {The classic "IF WE DONT DO THIS EVERYONE IS DEAD!" or "But...wait...if he didn't call...that means ... he's -- OH GOD!" ([Looking at you every PG-13 movie ever]).

Overall, I'd recommend this movie to anyone with an IQ above average with a strong stomach. If you enjoyed Zodiac, The Killer Inside Me, I suggest you check out this film. It's more a tragedy flick now that I think about it.

Dark Shadows [2012] :: 6.5/10 :: Vampire / Tim Burton / Fantasy

Dark Shadows [2012]
Grade: C-
Stars or whatever: 6.5

"I would recomend this movie to those who already love Tim Burton or Johnny Depp. That's really about it."
Let me just start out by saying that without actually looking at who was in this movie or what it was about (my aunt rented it) I was very pleased with the first 15 or 20 minutes. It was a magnificent triumph of scenery, slight CG background, ridiculously detailed sets and props, and costumes that fit in absolutely wonderfully. Then shit got a bit...how should I say it...artistic. I mumbled to myself that this reminded me a Tim Burton film with Johnny Depp. As soon as I said that, Johnny Depp (the non animated version) walked on screen. I was like "what the hell? Is this live action Night Before Christmas?" Well, it turns out it was Tim Burton, and Johnny Depp....

The first few scenes, like I said, I felt immersed. This movie was incredibly cliche, but refreshingly so. It's a story of vampire, witches, and gargoyles and other classic goth themes. True to Tim Burton style, it felt very cartoon like, like watching an animated film, but with real actors. It felt surreal, but in a good way.

Then it jumps forward to 1972 and I get really excited (again not knowing the rating, the synopsis or ANYTHING else other than it apparently had vampires -- The classic Curse type). We're introduced to some character that we're apparently supposed to care about, as this was (according to my aunt) adapted from a long running Soap Opra. Already, this movie was off to a great start, introducing us to a seemingly intelligent runaway, who is looking for work. The scenery looks like sleepy hallow New York, or perhaps Vermont (I'm not sure where it was filmed) and was rather breath taking, especially with its over head shots.
Suffice to say, I was impressed.

The girl then walks into a building for a job offer, and....this is where the movie collapses. Fully everything after this climax (15 minutes in, if that) collapsed into dreary fantasy Tim Burton horse shit. Let me be clear. This movie sucked. There is extremely little redeeming quality, no matter how beautifully acted, or how fantastic the props and scenery. The story, or the lack there of, just fell apart on so many levels.

Unlike some movies, this movie didn't go in fifty directions at once...it just did a total 180. All of a sudden, this movie is no longer about the girl, but about Johnny Depp and *ONLY* Johnny Depp. All I kept wondering is why? Why introduce a character so early if she's not going to star?

There was apparently a subtle love theme that my aunt explained in the original show, but the vibe I got was a desperate straw-grasp from Burton to stay relevant in a genera that really should be reserved for either heavy PG-13 (was this movie PG? Or probably light PG-13...) or heavy into the rated R, with blood, sex, and romance. This movie was appallingly lacking in all three categories. In fact, what I found most pathetic was the attempt to include said features, particularly the blood. Have you ever watched a PG movie where people "die" but don't really die, if you know what I mean? Like, you know they're dead, but you don't see it...or even a PG-13 movie, where someone will get shot, but there is no blood, no spatter, and they just kinda...disappear from the screen like an fallen enemy in a video game? It felt like that.

Worse still was the absolutely horribly coordinated and distastefully placed sex scenes. So, basically, you're telling me that watching Helena Carter go down on Johnny Depp is acceptable? And what's with the sketchy Pg-13 make-out scene between 'the witch' and Johnny Depp? Both scenes did nothing to advance the story, and simply distracted me from what was really happening....a whole lot of absolutely NOTHING.

So then it changes gears, because obviously it's a movie and needs and ending and the witch shows up and is all butthurt at Johnny for not loving her.... It's like bitch, oh my god, WHO THE HELL CARES?!?
The only redeeming quality for this portion of the movie was Chloe Moretz doing what she does best. Being a despotic edgy teen (can't wait till she's 18...).

The comic relief in the movie felt forced and distant. The action felt subpar and toned down. The love felt forced and fake. The Adams family (who cares what their real name was, that's exactly what they were) was a pointless distraction and had as much to do with the story as Walt Jr. in BrBa.

-sigh-  Spoiler Alerts

Then finally some shit goes down, there's a huge Vampire fist fight where the girl gets punched in her stupid ceramic face (or something) and the house burns down. And you know what? I just did not care.

This movie started off being absolutely fantastic. If it had kept on the way it had been, and been as violent or even 1/4th as violent as that garbage movie with Jeremy Renerr and the same girl from Byzantium (Hansel & Gretel  Which Hunter [2013]) I'd have been satisfyde with this movie.

I wish the director of Interview w/ a Vampire & Byzantium and Tim Burton would team up and make a rated R vampire movie. That shit would be tight.

Overall, I guueeesss I would recommend this movie, but only to people's moms or to watch on a really shitty home movie date where your date wont put out.

Resident Evil 5 Retribution

Disclaimer: This is so far over the top it's absurd. This is not a serious movie review, as most (if not all) of my others are. This is me being an asshole. If you're easily offended, fuck you.

Resident Evil 6, or 5...I don't know. Fuck everything about everything even related to this fucking movie (games notwithstanding). Seriously. It's like the director just jerked off on the screen and said "well shit, clearly no one will pay to see this..." so he added random slow-mo and action sequences to fill time and pretend he was being 'innovative'. The amount of creativity and innovation that went into filming this movie, is about the same as the level between iPhone generations.

The movie is set somewhere in the future, god knows when, because the so called 'epic' francise doesn't even follow it's own continuity or timeline. We all know the Umbrella Corporation is incredibly sinister and evil and totally bad ass, but why the fuck is it's CEO literally Mr. Smith from the Matrix? Seriously, the fuck? No amount of explanation can justify this.

This movie, or rather franchise holistically, neutered itself somewhere between the entire world dying off (Apocalypse 2 ), Alice gaining psychic powers, gaining the power to hack satellites with her umbrella eyes, her having thousands of clones to fight for her (Extinction's 3 ending?), the writer (or whoever called that shot) deciding that "no this movie WONT have thousands of clones after all, so we need to kill them all off in the first thirty seconds of the movie before it really starts" (Afterlife 4)and 'well shit now what, we've written ourselves into a total corner'. It's like they completely stopped caring about Alice as a character and simply made a shitty Matrix spin off, where the 'bad guy' is just immortal Mr. Smith with a nasty-tooth vagina mouth that shoots out like a frog's tongue. Based on a video game or not, there is no excuse for sacrificing that much story for 2 underwhelmingly brief and pathetically coordinated fight sequences (I believe I'm refering to the one in Afterlife actually).

 It's like the writer took a look at the script and said "lol" and wiped his ass with it. If that wasn't bad enough, he stuck it in his mouth, chewed it up, shit it out, put it on a silver platter and ate it again. Three times. It's like they finished this shit movie, decided there wasn't enough blood, or that it simply wasn't terrible enough, so they just decided to gouge orphans eyes out and squash them onto the story board and just filmed themselves T-bagging it.

Everything after the very first opening sequence of this movie was a disastrous train wreck. My mind actually wanted to contract the T-virus and die after watching this movie. I'm almost 100% certain they spent more time advertising this "movie" than they did actually attempting to make a coherent sequence of ANYTHING.

I feel like what I watched was a loose representation of the Freudian wet dreams of a deeply demented molestation victim with a violent blood fetish, and his self-righteous fantasy to "direct" a "film". This francise can only be described as the product of a director with far too much time on his hands being handed a blank slate to diddle, and a writer who clearly forgot to take his pills. This is the result of veracious copulation between said writer, and the franchise dildo being shoved so far in his butt that the final product seeped from his anus, and loosely coagulated into an over-budget 3D smorgasbord of nonsensical horse scat. Fuck this entire movie. This movie felt like bukkaki, where the victim is the audience.

Yes. It really is that fucking terrible.
I can't even start to describe the plot, because there is no fucking plot. The characters can hardly be considered characters, as their personalities are more fictionalized and dull than most modern video games. I seriously and 100% honestly believe the writers gave up half way through the last movie and didn't bother to cure their hang over before puking onto their work station and calling it a day. No sarcasm.

The protagonists randomly run around underground, in a place that draws close parallel to the hive in the first movie. Unfortunately for said protagonists, they have to fight zom- No wait, it was invisible machine holograph clones and assassins with masks......I don't even....To me, this was as lame as changing DOOM to "Mars" because "hell" was offensive. That's how pathetic this avenue of screen writing is (hur dur we literally destroyed our whole world and wrote ourselves into a corner...so we just have to invent another underground lair for this evil corporation...whatever), as if it wasn't bad enough already having had to endure 2 hours of gruelingly repetitious action "chases" where the odds of any one character dying in each scene is 100% and the odds of Alice kicking ass without a scratch is also 100%.


So then, as if it wasn't confusing enough, the gang gets a bunch of guns and shoot a bunch of random infected  zombies and then run around, again with no purpose, for another 30 minutes. Then the zombies get guns...and any sense of continuity just snaps in half. This type of excrement secretion onto my screen is unfucking acceptable. I did not come here to sit and be covered by the 3D ejaculate of an over payed, over hyped, "director"'s imagining of what constitutes "zombies" and "horror" in a genera that has already long ago been relegated to bottom of the barrel sludge, only churned up to squeeze every ounce of liquid cash flow from it's "fans" in a pathetic excuse to stay relevant. I'm sorry, but this movie is neither horrifying, nor a proper zombie flick. This movie is a failure on a magnitude that is incomprehensible to the average viewer. It's like the Titanic and the producers jumped ship after the opening sequences....which was probably created during the 4th shitty installment of this shitty franchise.

Oh god, but it just kept going! So, then....... the characters end up in a fake outside world, like literally a fake world inside, but it's outside inside... underground, that resembles outside (why I have no idea), and we're just supposed to accept that they're now randomly fighting their clones (of themselves) and then Michael "Dies in Every Movie" Rodriguez comes back, and then dies again and it's just a fucking mess. It's honestly such a damn clusterfuck... the only excuse I can possibly imagine for this franchise, is if it's revealed that for the entire duration of production the CIA was unwittingly dosing the entire cast, crew, and production assistants, in some sick twisted homage to their fictional Umbrella Corp brethren ...This, however plausible, seems unlikely.

It's like the perfect storm of "Bad Writing" meets "Overzealous Directing" meets "We can make more if we make it 3D" meets Bill O'Reily. FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!!

I mean I honestly tried, I REALLY FUCKING TRIED to follow this movie. Just when I thought I had some shred or inkling as to what might have been going on, this giant rhino mutant fuck comes in and chases their car down, and any insight into what the honest fuck I was supposed to be watching just went out the window, literally.

I think what offended me most about this movie, besides it's inability to pick a bad guy (zombies / mutant zombies / rhino beast faggots / Mr. Smith / Holographic Agents / Zombies with guns / Giant hulks of destruction / mind controlled humans / evil twin clones etc etc) and stick to it, was it's attempt to be creative. It's like the director knew the film wasn't working, so he decided to roofy the audience by muting the audio down during the 'flash back scene' to be all profound or some shit. The whole time, all I could think "is this just a shitty pirated version? Or is this nigga for real muting audio?" The only way this could have been any worse is if Rob Schneider had shown up. Scratch that. It may actually have been better.

Literally, the only redeeming scene of this movie was the extremely sub-par excuse for a T-Virus genesis scene. So again, still underground in the hive 2.0, but again, now we're outside in Japan (or something).
All of a sudden, it starts raining and for whatever reason this bitch decides "ayo, fuck it, I'm tripping harder fucking nuts than the director, might as well bite some niggas throat, you feel me dog?" Well the innocent soon-to-be zombie civilian next to her sure did. The scene was admittedly well executed, but it was so far out of place it felt like dub-step at a cocktail party. It would be like watching a car chase in 127 Hours...or dubstep.


The best scene, I repeat, THE BEST SCENE I have listed was sub-par at best. I feel like this movie is the result of handing multiple millions of dollars to a drunken homeless director with a gun and gore fetish, and a schizophrenic ex-convict with Parkinson's disease to run the camera with his hardon for lesbians. The writer? That had to be some has-been washed up sitcom writer snorting PCP through his failed TV script, while crying in the back room of the green screen cutting himself. "Actors"? I'm sorry, but past "Alice" who gets paid a ton of money to act like a bad ass, there were no "actors" (Notwithstanding Michael "Cameo Death" Rodriguez)

 This movie is a fucking disaster. I'm not even going to rant about the mind control beetles, psychic powers, super powers, clones (or lack there of), deus ex machina cop outs, continuity errors, and the whole host of other cancers this movie suffered from. This movie  is to cinema what the fucking holocaust was to jews.

But yet they keep making them? Why? WHY?!?!?! $240 million worldwide that's why. (The plot was no joke shorter than the entire Wikipedia article I found that statistic on). Well, apparently, All the 15 year old fan boys would lose their marbles through their nose if they found out their anti-hero Milla Jovovich (Alice), their Matrix vigilante ass kicking babe, had been dropped from the franchise. Anyone who was suckered into this movie like I was, I give my condolences. There is no amount of MDMA in the world that can heal your suffering after watching this travesty of a "movie", especially now that SR is gone. God damn it.
I actually think I have PTSD or I'm starting to develop epilepsy  from watching so many pathetic fog machine stunts in slow-motion with strobe-lights...because hey, "failing electrical" power is totally cool, right? I'm actually afraid to watch movies with either of these effects for fear I might have flash backs to how utterly traumatically horrific this movie was.

Any glimmer of hope this movie had of succeeding, died before they even started filming. Breathing the insides of an elephant's ass sound more attractive to me than ever watching another of these films again.

The ending of this movie consists of the "good guys" somehow 'escaping' the hive 2.0 and making their way to the surface world, which isn't even Earth anymore. The coolest sequence (the trailer where she stands on the white house) is relegated to 4 seconds at the very very end of the film. It's like they purposely and maliciously made their audience suffer through the same shit filled pipe Andy Dufresne had to, just to escape the nightmare that was Resident Evil 5 Retribution. The only Retribution here is that the audience will hopefully spend their hard earned cash elsewhere *cough I have a donation button cough*

This "movie" is so fucking bad, the only reason one would ever even release it, in ANY FORM, is to simply progress a franchise forward (80 million budget for a 240 million pay out), praying that the socially autistic imbeciles would drop to their knees with their mouths open to swallow the whole steaming load of 3D cockslime down their throats. And the kicker? They'll fucking do it, and they'll pay $14 bucks to tell about it. I can only imagine that making this movie felt like drinking horse seamen through a straw. It was hard to swallow and unpleasant the entire ride.

Overall, there are no words in the human language to describe what a disaster this movie was.
It was long, it was pointless, it wasn't scary, it wasn't even well directed and the 3D felt like someone hit you over the head with a lead pipe and stuck their finger in your butt to make you scream. Because honestly, for all their failed 'pop-out' scare moments and 'gruesome' death scenes, the only way I'd ever scream is if someone literally had a finger in my butt. That's what this movie felt like.

Fuck this movie.

Fuck this franchise.

And fuck the fact they're already filming a new one. Most of all, fuck whoever was suckered into paying for this tragedy swansong of action films.


Would I recommend this movie? 

No.
I wouldn't recommend this movie to a brain dead monkey or a hooker rotting in a dumpster.

Fuck this movie!!

X-Men First Class [2011] Action // Super Hero

Grade: C-

6.5 Stars (or whatever) 





X-Men First Class [2011]
Alright, so this movie was a reboot / prequel to the X-Men trilogy (Not the Wolverine spin off). This movie is in its purest form an extremely basic action movie. There is nothing profound or ground breaking about it. The movie was for all intents and purposes entertaining, but nothing else. That's not saying the movie was bad per say, on the contrary, I thought it was pretty well executed....for what it was. Although, it S/could have been better. It's certainly nothing revolutionary and does nothing to add to the genera of super-hero genera the way, say, Spider Man did. It was worlds better than movies like "The Hulk" or "Fantcraptic 4" but overall, yeah...just it was okay.

So, the movie takes place during the cold war, featuring a very young Xavier and his buddy what's his nuts Magneto before he was Magneto. Oh, and Mystique and a few other randoms like The Beast. The story tries pretty freaking hard to be something it isn't though, profound / revolutionary. It wanted to make you say "HOLY HELL! THATS WHY THAT HAPPENED IN THE FUTURE!" but my reaction was like "meh. k, so they chose yellow and blue for the suits" or whatever. Nothing actually blew my mind.

There was nothing special about the mutants they chose, specifically the bad guys. Unlike the first few films where the mutants at least felt, plausible (within their subjective universe) these mutants just felt...boring.

Oh, wow... a guy that throws lasers... wow...diamond girl.... oh boy, a guy looks like a devil and doesn't really do much of anything (did he throw fire or teleport or something?). Basically, you have a convoluted story of random bullshit characters doing random bullshit stuff and then the climax happens. It was sloppy. The costumes were okay, the sets were meh, and the acting was ...passable.

I think what this movie lacked (proper action / story) it made up for in drama. It was just so god damn dramatic. Like, if you ignore the fact that you both A) Don't give a shit about the characters and B) Accept that you're just waiting for shit to go down, it's pretty entertaining. They don't force the side love story down your throat too too hard, but if I'm honest it did feel like I was gargling the directors nuts (the way I felt watching the Japan theme of Wolverine [2013]) at some points, while being forced to watch random training sequences like it's fucking rocky or something. Like really, just get on with the X-Jet we've seen in the trailers...

So then shit finally pops off and a bunch of random assclown no name mutans duke it out and pick sides and then the finally happens and it's all "oh look he ended up in a fucking wheel chair, what a surprise..." and then it's all "CALL ME MAGNETO BITCH" and I'm like, honestly, just fuck this entire movie.

But yeah....it was okay. It's tolerable, I'll say that much. It's nothing profound, it's nothing ridiculously entertaining, and the mutant action is really nothing to be desired. I mean, how the hell can you top the third movie where Kitty (Ellen Paige) is looking all sexy and fux0ring the Juggernaut BITCH!?

Anyhow, Mystique makes an appearance and again no one really gives a shit....

Basically, this whole movie boils down to this

Okay. We get it. It's in the past. It's X-Men. Oh, look a reference to the movies. Oh, look some shitty origin story. Oh, it's over. That was cool, I mean...I guess...

Would I recommend it?

Honestly, no. The only people I would possibly recommend this movie to are already going to have watched it and probably moved it so much they creamed themselves when they saw half of the poorly directed action scenes. Xavier's acting notwithstanding (WHERE IS WANTED 2?!) this movie was mediocre.

Shutter Island [2010] Mystery / Chiller / Crime

Grade: B-

Stars or something: 8.0




{Blank space}



Shutter Island is a Mystery movie about a detective who is tasked with investigating a murder on an Island for the mentally insane.


Shutter Island [2011] 

Let me start out by saying that I'm no longer allowed to sit next to Ethan, or talk to him if I do, while at the movies. I ruin movies. Even the ones that are supposed to be unpredictable, like some M.Nighyshamallamadingdong shit. Shutter Island is one of those types of movies.


This movie will keep your sorry asses guessing, laughing all the way to the bank. Unfortunately, for people like, who study psychology, criminology, schizophrenia, and filmography, this movie doesn't really shock the way it should. Anyway, it's very well directed. Although it can be a bit jarring at times, it's still worth the watch.

The theme and genera are all consistent, which is a huge plus. Obviously, the acting is top notch. Although the story can be a bit confusing, I haven't really decided if that was a result of poor directing, poor editing, or a purposely omitting or convoluteing important "hints" or information. Let me just say that this is soooo much fucking better than Sherlock Holmes in terms of a mystery. Unlike that horse crap excuse for a movie, Shutter Island actually gives you the clues and doesn't laugh at you and then throw all the random bullshit in your face at the end.

Obviously, this movie is DARK. It's CREEPY and it's fucking tense. Look at the name...I mean, it will give you shutters. It feels extremely similar to the first act of King Kong. The movie isn't supposed to be a horror movie, not in it's true sense, but I would say it fits right in the Chiller genera. It'll make your neck hairs stand up for sure. There is something strangely surreal about it...everything from the dark nature, lighting, to the cinematography and some of the more creative (like ocean rocks) scenes.

It's really unfortunate that I can't say more about this without ruining it for everyone, but I'd say this movie very similar to a certain Russel Crow movie (when you're done watching you'll know which), but that wasn't executed quite as well.

Overall this movie is just another movie. There is nothing novel about it, nothing mind blowing, nothing new or innovative and the story seems recycled. But, that doesn't make it bad. It's still a very well produced and directed movie, and the writing, although not flawless, was pretty decent.

This is the type of movie you need to watch twice.

Yeah, I would recommend it.

Sucker Punch [2011] :: 5.9/10 :: / Action / Fantasy

Grade: C-

5.9 stars (of 10)


Sucker Punch [2011]
"I would recommend this movie to anyone who lives fast paced, jaw dropping action sequences, and cares fuck all about story. If you're into hot girl's with guns, this is the movie for you!" 

Let me just start out by saying what this movie is not: Epic. 
This movie, for all it's hype, all it's flashy lights and CG, was simply terrible. Total let down, probably the biggest of the year. I don't know why I expected different. Yes, there were some absolutely mind blowing scenes, with graphics and action that will make any straight guy cream themselves (seriously Rocket - far left - is smoking hot, she needs a spin off), but what's missing is...well...everything else.

This movie was one that I was hugely psyched for when I showed up for the early pre-screening in 2011. It starts out [Yes this will have some minor 'spoilers'] in like the 40s or 50s or something with a whinny little bitch watching her parents die. Whoa is her, raped yatta yatta, we get it. Anyhow, she ends up in a mental ward (See Shutter Island) with a bunch of  poorly nick named fantasy babes that basically are there as nothing but eye candy (I'm pretty sure one may have been named candy or something I don't even know. Sweatpea I think was her name? Baby Doll? I mean, get real...)

Fast Forward to the absolutely LAME excuse for why she's in fantasy la-la land (some shit about a dream or abuse or meditation and stress? Who the fuck even cares yo). If I had to say what this movie WAS as opposed to wasn't, I would say Schizophrenic. It was all over the fucking place. Granted, the girl (who's eyes we're seeing through) is schizophrenic (or something) but that's no excuse for poor writing and directing. Look...I thought the movie was survivable, but only because of some of the cool graphics.

There are like 15 different stories, all about 15 minutes long. It felt like watching 10 really well put together short films on youtube. The story was garbage, like indescribably terrible and the acting was just as poor. Everything felt super forced. The only redeeming factors were the extremely brief moments of pure epicness or explosions, or the nazi zombies.

But you know what? I just couldn't get into a story about a bunch of 18 - 25yo odd skanks dressing up like it's Halloween and shooting things. It just felt wrong, and worse it felt super rushed. You never had time to enjoy anything. It was like watching the final epic scenes to several movies without ever having time to care about any of them. Woo! You killed the dragon! Woo! You stopped the bomb! Woo! You escaped the giant robots! Woo! You killed hitler or some shit... It was nonstop action 99mph and it never let you catch up. How was it able to go this fast you might ask? Simple. There was no story.

 I wish Inception was mixed with this movie. What I mean by that is simple; If Inception, as convoluted a cluster fuck as that was had been mixed with this films elements of FANTASY (the genera) and used its action scenes, like flying dragons and orcs and nazi zombies, I'd have fallen in love with Inception. Inception just felt like a dreary chase movie (it was good though), and this just felt like a clusterfuck of video game advertisements.

By the time the ending comes, you're wondering what the shit you just watched. I mean, you know you should some cool shit, but you're like....duhfuq? It's like, honestly....did you even try to make a story? Or did you just take ANY EXCUSE to throw random fight scenes with robots and hot girls onto a screen?

Was this movie in 3D? I don't even remember.

Anyway, my final assessment is this. 

Watch this movie. Try to enjoy it. It's got some really cool scenes, but understand you're watching a smorgasbord or concept designs mashed together so haphazardly and quickly you'll feel like the director is laughing at you.

All bullshit aside, this movie sucked, but someone still falls into the category of
"Yeah, you have to watch it..."

Byzantium (2011) -- Drama / Vampire

 GRADE: C+ (being a bit generous honestly)

6.5 Stars

 I would recommend this movie, but only to vampire genera lovers, or people who like easy to follow classical stories. It's great for a rainy day.


Netflix: (Not sure yet)

Amazon: (Not sure)

DVD: (Not sure/Don't Care...yarrr)

Byzantium was a strange movie for me. It's pretty much a guilty pleasure of mine, and I'm not sure how much I'd like to admit it (it usually shocks people since I'm a total realist and run a U.S National Security Blog) but I'm kinda...totally a Vampire Expert :-/ Like...really. It's shameful -facepalm-

((My Own Dystopian NeoVampire Noir Action Novel #WORKING DRAFT#"Cold Flower" Advertisement! Yes I can advertise myself! Dealwithit (⌐■_■) ) --
CLICK HERE FOR THE FIRST 12 CHAPTERS FREE! (SOCIALISM!).
(I think I actually posted like 12 or something but only 4 are finished) *aint body got time fo' that!*



Byzantium [2011] is a breath of fresh air into a genera that was desperately in need of it. The Vampire genera has always been my favorite, and this movie FINALLY felt like a true VAMPIRE MOVIE. It's by the same director as Interview With a Vampire (with Tom Cruise 1994), Neil Jordan, but this movie felt nothing like it in, even though it's a very similar (duh) directing style.

Byzantium is a very strange movie. (it could be far stranger obviously....looking at you Clock Work Orange) That's really all I can say to describe it if given one word beside "vampire". I'd rather not describe it as such, but that's the only word that comes to mind beside generic. That doesn't seem flattering, especially because vampire movies are in their own rite someone unique.


The story takes place in like England or something, to be honest I really don't give a shit because I'm an egocentric American, but basically, it's foreign. Which is awesome. The movie has a very slow pace, or so it would seem while watching it, but when you get done you realize just how much the movie covered. I'm pretty sure it was not paying homage to chitty chitty bang bang or The Never Ending Story, but the movie is one of those "telling a story" movies, where you see what they're telling as they tell it. I've always enjoyed that.

The movie really doesn't have a huge/complex story to it, I think it has just enough and left just enough unexplored (where the fuck did that Blood Waterfall even come from yo), and I think that's what makes it so fantastic. All too often you get movies (looking at you Hungshiter Games) leave sooo much out, or push far far too much in (looking at you Cloud Atlas), but this movie strikes the balance very well.

 It's super minimalist, and with vampires, often that's exactly what's needed. It's timid with its bloodshed (although believe me, there is enough!) and the violence is tapered and staggered just enough to feel 'violent' when it happens, as opposed to just eye-candy. I guess what I'm saying is it feels 'real' (at least could...obviously underworld can't).

Byzantium has some somewhat realistic characters, which are probably better on paper than on screen. The cinematography is although rather minimalist, although there are a few interesting shots. It's certainly not boring, but it can get a bit bland. This however doesn't diminish what you're seeing, which is largely more important to this film.

I'm trying my best not to be a pessimist tonight, since I'm drunk or something (usually I fucking rip movies a new ass, you'll see...) but I must say the acting wasn't top notch. This is an all B and some C cast acting. I think it's actually more impressive how well they pulled it off. On a side note, her "mom/sister" has some huge knockers, so if you're bored with the movie, you can just ogle her double D cast acting. Yep. I'm that guy. I went there.

I think what the movie accomplished for what it was and it's budget was pretty fantastic. This movie wasn't meant to be breath taking. It felt like watching a stage play in some ways more than it felt like watching a high budget movie block buster. This is a low key, minimalist movie that isn't designed to smash molds or blow minds. and it doesn't. It has it's moments, but for the most part you'll just be happy you watched it. It won't leave you with a profound message or leave you talking about it (much), but it was satisfying to see a vampire movie come together so nicely, as it's just as much about vampires as it is the characters...so often, it becomes about one or the other and doesn't mesh.

This movie doesn't exactly have an antagonist. It does, but it was difficult to give a shit about them as they show up extremely late and leave early. The few other antagonists come in the form of just a bad situation and story progression. I can't say more without spoilers though, but basically it's just her life against herself. Everything just felt monotone. Probably because the character's voice is monotone.

This movie is more a story of Girl v Self and Girl v World (a drama) than it is about bloodshed (Blade) and violence / action (Underworld) or politics (although flawed, I love Daybreakers [2009]). Thankfully, it doesn't transgress too heavily into any one genera, as often movies do (Looking at you Handhock becoming a strange love story). The pace was fine, the mood was always the same, and the extremely melodramatic bland main character really made the movie feel....angsty?

Some Negative:  I'm not sure whether it's a flaw or not, it probably was, but the movie never quite raised my blood pressure or had me glued to the screen. I found myself texting during it to be honest...it can be often too slow, or feel like it. When the climax came, I can't really say I gave a shit. Looking back now, I was actually pretty bored. I'm writing this review for people who enjoy low key movies and trying to empathize, but to be honest it was exactly what I expected...a boring tale of generic vampire crap where people die, vampires argue and shit goes on. I think the monotone narration didn't help much either.
Really...I'm trying to be possitive. When I dislike a movie, I'll tear it a new asshole.


Anyway, comparing it to others of the genera (ugh if you can even call it that) or other movies that failed on all fronts (while trying) it's pretty apparent this movie comes together nicely.

Fuck it, that's all I'll say.

If you're digging vampire flicks like Let The Right One In, or Interview With a Vampire, than I'd say check out this mellow drama.


* Notice I didn't even dignify a comparison parallel to some 'vampire' (flesh eating space gargoyles from neptune) movies. Fuck that whole series. 

Gone Baby Gone (2007) -- Drama // One of My Favorite Movies Ever

Grade: A+

Star Rating: 9.3

{insert star chart here or something}


Netflix: Netflix has nothing good. 

Amazon: Don't pay them

"I would recommend this movie to just about anyone who enjoys fine cinema and fantastic writing & directing. This movie will take your breath away, make your heart stop, make your head spin, and make your stomach churn. A+ movie!"

Gone Baby Gone (2007) is perhaps my all time favorite movie.

Perhaps it's because the story is absolutely riveting and original (it's about a kidnapping and the subsequent investigation into said kidnapping), or perhaps it's because the acting is superb. It could be the directing style, or even the cinematography, but  I believe it's because I see myself in Casey Afflecks character. In fact, I'm probably going to end up along the same line of work.

The movie takes place in Boston, present day (circa 2007-whenever you're reading this like 2014).  Let me just start out by saying this is a no bullshit type of movie. It's dark. More on that later. It is, as many of Casey Affleck's movies are, a story of a man struggling with internal man v self problems. Compounding those moral dilemmas, present in just about every 'act' of the movie, is the reoccurring theme of hopelessness. I'm not sure the term noir film applies, but the film itself feels inescapable. This is theme is subtle, always present, but I feel it's what ties the movie together.

 Now, when I say this is a dark movie...without giving spoilers let me just say that for those who would consider themselves empaths, or get upset when "bad things" happen to good people, this is not the movie for you. This is a no bullshit type of movie. I'm not here to give a play by play, but suffice to say that by the time Morgan Freeman (yeah, that's fucking right!) walks in, you won't even care. You'll feel sick. You'll feel angry. You'll feel ashamed and you'll feel dirty. That's the point. This movie is one prolonged dark tunnel and you're passing through it with the characters. This is a roller coaster that will make you sick.

That's not to say there isn't a theme of hope stitched in, on the contrary, the timid quite Private Investigator Casey portrays has a glimmer of hope. His wife (I forget the actress and to be honest I just don't care...I believe she was the lord of the rings elf girl) also helps him throughout the story. The characters all feel like real people, sometimes making irrational choices that aren't in their best interest, and other times acting selflessly for others. Some characters are so well written you will feel like you've known them your whole life...and you'll want to wring their neck (you know a movie is good when you start to hate physically hate the actors because they're so damn good --- Like Walter White's Wife from Breaking Bad (wooo! THIS SUNDAY LAST EPISODE!! ...wait... aww D: anyway...)


The movie is filled with everything you could possibly want from a film. A strong start, strong characters, great dialog, riveting cinematography (oh god 'the house' scene -- and opening sequence with the sun over Boston if I remember correctly, it's been about a year), "twists and turns" (but none of that Shamalongadingsdong shit. This ain't no picnic bitch!), maybe even a car chase of sorts, violence, and a fantastic cast to really set the movie over the edge into one the decades all time greatest Dramas.

Again, I want to say the movie was "Noir" in nature, but I can't. It's not. It's not an action movie, but I swear my adrenaline peaked higher watching this film FOR THE THIRD TIME than at any point during Speed or Die Hard. This is a mature movie, for adults. No, I don't mean porn, I just mean unless you're a grown adult, or growing adult who understands mature concepts such as brotherhood, police brutality, rape, motherhood, and death than I suggest you steer clear.

Overall, I can't give this movie anything less than 5 stars. Fortunately, I'm going by a A-F scale so I'm going to leave you with this.

This movie is absolutely riveting.

When you finally catch your breath, and your heads stops spinning just long enough to put the puzzle together, you will wish you could spit the sour taste from your mouth onto the cold Boston pavement....only to realize, you're not in Boston (I mean...unless you are...). You're still sitting on your couch.

A to A+ movie.

Introduction :)

So, this is going to be the first post. I've been writing movie reviews for years. I figured I'd actually compile them into one spot. Every day, for as long as I care to, I'm going to be writing movie reviews on random movies. Sometimes, I'll do multiple movies each day. Eventually, I will figure out how to categorize by Genera, Year, Actors, etc should I see it fit. I doubt anyone will read these reviews, but I'm going to be brutally honest in my assessments. I will try to keep spoilers to a minimum, but be aware that I will often be rather drunk and forget. I'm awesome like that. Sometimes I'll swear and rant and go way overboard. Deal with it. This is my subjective opinion, and I'm going to shove it in everyone's faces. That said, welcome to

No One Special's Daily Movie Reviews.