Disclaimer: This is so far over the top it's absurd. This is not a serious movie review, as most (if not all) of my others are. This is me being an asshole. If you're easily offended, fuck you.
Resident Evil 6, or 5...I don't know. Fuck everything about everything even related to this fucking movie (games notwithstanding). Seriously. It's like the director just jerked off on the screen and said "well shit, clearly no one will pay to see this..." so he added random slow-mo and action sequences to fill time and pretend he was being 'innovative'. The amount of creativity and innovation that went into filming this movie, is about the same as the level between iPhone generations.
The movie is set somewhere in the future, god knows when, because the so called 'epic' francise doesn't even follow it's own continuity or timeline. We all know the Umbrella Corporation is incredibly sinister and evil and totally bad ass, but why the fuck is it's CEO literally Mr. Smith from the Matrix? Seriously, the fuck? No amount of explanation can justify this.
This movie, or rather franchise holistically, neutered itself somewhere between the entire world dying off (Apocalypse 2 ), Alice gaining psychic powers, gaining the power to hack satellites with her umbrella eyes, her having thousands of clones to fight for her (Extinction's 3 ending?), the writer (or whoever called that shot) deciding that "no this movie WONT have thousands of clones after all, so we need to kill them all off in the first thirty seconds of the movie before it really starts" (Afterlife 4)and 'well shit now what, we've written ourselves into a total corner'. It's like they completely stopped caring about Alice as a character and simply made a shitty Matrix spin off, where the 'bad guy' is just immortal Mr. Smith with a nasty-tooth vagina mouth that shoots out like a frog's tongue. Based on a video game or not, there is no excuse for sacrificing that much story for 2 underwhelmingly brief and pathetically coordinated fight sequences (I believe I'm refering to the one in Afterlife actually).
It's like the writer took a look at the script and said "lol" and wiped his ass with it. If that wasn't bad enough, he stuck it in his mouth, chewed it up, shit it out, put it on a silver platter and ate it again. Three times. It's like they finished this shit movie, decided there wasn't enough blood, or that it simply wasn't terrible enough, so they just decided to gouge orphans eyes out and squash them onto the story board and just filmed themselves T-bagging it.
Everything after the very first opening sequence of this movie was a disastrous train wreck. My mind actually wanted to contract the T-virus and die after watching this movie. I'm almost 100% certain they spent more time advertising this "movie" than they did actually attempting to make a coherent sequence of ANYTHING.
I feel like what I watched was a loose representation of the Freudian wet dreams of a deeply demented molestation victim with a violent blood fetish, and his self-righteous fantasy to "direct" a "film". This francise can only be described as the product of a director with far too much time on his hands being handed a blank slate to diddle, and a writer who clearly forgot to take his pills. This is the result of veracious copulation between said writer, and the franchise dildo being shoved so far in his butt that the final product seeped from his anus, and loosely coagulated into an over-budget 3D smorgasbord of nonsensical horse scat. Fuck this entire movie. This movie felt like bukkaki, where the victim is the audience.
Yes. It really is that fucking terrible.
I can't even start to describe the plot, because there is no fucking plot. The characters can hardly be considered characters, as their personalities are more fictionalized and dull than most modern video games. I seriously and 100% honestly believe the writers gave up half way through the last movie and didn't bother to cure their hang over before puking onto their work station and calling it a day. No sarcasm.
The protagonists randomly run around underground, in a place that draws close parallel to the hive in the first movie. Unfortunately for said protagonists, they have to fight zom- No wait, it was invisible machine holograph clones and assassins with masks......I don't even....To me, this was as lame as changing DOOM to "Mars" because "hell" was offensive. That's how pathetic this avenue of screen writing is (hur dur we literally destroyed our whole world and wrote ourselves into a corner...so we just have to invent another underground lair for this evil corporation...whatever), as if it wasn't bad enough already having had to endure 2 hours of gruelingly repetitious action "chases" where the odds of any one character dying in each scene is 100% and the odds of Alice kicking ass without a scratch is also 100%.
So then, as if it wasn't confusing enough, the gang gets a bunch of guns and shoot a bunch of random infected zombies and then run around, again with no purpose, for another 30 minutes. Then the zombies get guns...and any sense of continuity just snaps in half. This type of excrement secretion onto my screen is unfucking acceptable. I did not come here to sit and be covered by the 3D ejaculate of an over payed, over hyped, "director"'s imagining of what constitutes "zombies" and "horror" in a genera that has already long ago been relegated to bottom of the barrel sludge, only churned up to squeeze every ounce of liquid cash flow from it's "fans" in a pathetic excuse to stay relevant. I'm sorry, but this movie is neither horrifying, nor a proper zombie flick. This movie is a failure on a magnitude that is incomprehensible to the average viewer. It's like the Titanic and the producers jumped ship after the opening sequences....which was probably created during the 4th shitty installment of this shitty franchise.
Oh god, but it just kept going! So, then....... the characters end up in a fake outside world, like literally a fake world inside, but it's outside inside... underground, that resembles outside (why I have no idea), and we're just supposed to accept that they're now randomly fighting their clones (of themselves) and then Michael "Dies in Every Movie" Rodriguez comes back, and then dies again and it's just a fucking mess. It's honestly such a damn clusterfuck... the only excuse I can possibly imagine for this franchise, is if it's revealed that for the entire duration of production the CIA was unwittingly dosing the entire cast, crew, and production assistants, in some sick twisted homage to their fictional Umbrella Corp brethren ...This, however plausible, seems unlikely.
It's like the perfect storm of "Bad Writing" meets "Overzealous Directing" meets "We can make more if we make it 3D" meets Bill O'Reily. FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!!
I mean I honestly tried, I REALLY FUCKING TRIED to follow this movie. Just when I thought I had some shred or inkling as to what might have been going on, this giant rhino mutant fuck comes in and chases their car down, and any insight into what the honest fuck I was supposed to be watching just went out the window, literally.
I think what offended me most about this movie, besides it's inability to pick a bad guy (zombies / mutant zombies / rhino beast faggots / Mr. Smith / Holographic Agents / Zombies with guns / Giant hulks of destruction / mind controlled humans / evil twin clones etc etc) and stick to it, was it's attempt to be creative. It's like the director knew the film wasn't working, so he decided to roofy the audience by muting the audio down during the 'flash back scene' to be all profound or some shit. The whole time, all I could think "is this just a shitty pirated version? Or is this nigga for real muting audio?" The only way this could have been any worse is if Rob Schneider had shown up. Scratch that. It may actually have been better.
Literally, the only redeeming scene of this movie was the extremely sub-par excuse for a T-Virus genesis scene. So again, still underground in the hive 2.0, but again, now we're outside in Japan (or something).
All of a sudden, it starts raining and for whatever reason this bitch decides "ayo, fuck it, I'm tripping harder fucking nuts than the director, might as well bite some niggas throat, you feel me dog?" Well the innocent soon-to-be zombie civilian next to her sure did. The scene was admittedly well executed, but it was so far out of place it felt like dub-step at a cocktail party. It would be like watching a car chase in 127 Hours...or dubstep.
The best scene, I repeat, THE BEST SCENE I have listed was sub-par at best. I feel like this movie is the result of handing multiple millions of dollars to a drunken homeless director with a gun and gore fetish, and a schizophrenic ex-convict with Parkinson's disease to run the camera with his hardon for lesbians. The writer? That had to be some has-been washed up sitcom writer snorting PCP through his failed TV script, while crying in the back room of the green screen cutting himself. "Actors"? I'm sorry, but past "Alice" who gets paid a ton of money to act like a bad ass, there were no "actors" (Notwithstanding Michael "Cameo Death" Rodriguez)
This movie is a fucking disaster. I'm not even going to rant about the mind control beetles, psychic powers, super powers, clones (or lack there of), deus ex machina cop outs, continuity errors, and the whole host of other cancers this movie suffered from. This movie is to cinema what the fucking holocaust was to jews.
But yet they keep making them? Why? WHY?!?!?! $240 million worldwide that's why. (The plot was no joke shorter than the entire Wikipedia article I found that statistic on). Well, apparently, All the 15 year old fan boys would lose their marbles through their nose if they found out their anti-hero Milla Jovovich (Alice), their Matrix vigilante ass kicking babe, had been dropped from the franchise. Anyone who was suckered into this movie like I was, I give my condolences. There is no amount of MDMA in the world that can heal your suffering after watching this travesty of a "movie", especially now that SR is gone. God damn it.
I actually think I have PTSD or I'm starting to develop epilepsy from watching so many pathetic fog machine stunts in slow-motion with strobe-lights...because hey, "failing electrical" power is totally cool, right? I'm actually afraid to watch movies with either of these effects for fear I might have flash backs to how utterly traumatically horrific this movie was.
Any glimmer of hope this movie had of succeeding, died before they even started filming. Breathing the insides of an elephant's ass sound more attractive to me than ever watching another of these films again.
The ending of this movie consists of the "good guys" somehow 'escaping' the hive 2.0 and making their way to the surface world, which isn't even Earth anymore. The coolest sequence (the trailer where she stands on the white house) is relegated to 4 seconds at the very very end of the film. It's like they purposely and maliciously made their audience suffer through the same shit filled pipe Andy Dufresne had to, just to escape the nightmare that was Resident Evil 5 Retribution. The only Retribution here is that the audience will hopefully spend their hard earned cash elsewhere *cough I have a donation button cough*
This "movie" is so fucking bad, the only reason one would ever even release it, in ANY FORM, is to simply progress a franchise forward (80 million budget for a 240 million pay out), praying that the socially autistic imbeciles would drop to their knees with their mouths open to swallow the whole steaming load of 3D cockslime down their throats. And the kicker? They'll fucking do it, and they'll pay $14 bucks to tell about it. I can only imagine that making this movie felt like drinking horse seamen through a straw. It was hard to swallow and unpleasant the entire ride.
Overall, there are no words in the human language to describe what a disaster this movie was.
It was long, it was pointless, it wasn't scary, it wasn't even well directed and the 3D felt like someone hit you over the head with a lead pipe and stuck their finger in your butt to make you scream. Because honestly, for all their failed 'pop-out' scare moments and 'gruesome' death scenes, the only way I'd ever scream is if someone literally had a finger in my butt. That's what this movie felt like.
Fuck this movie.
Fuck this franchise.
And fuck the fact they're already filming a new one. Most of all, fuck whoever was suckered into paying for this tragedy swansong of action films.
Would I recommend this movie?
No.
I wouldn't recommend this movie to a brain dead monkey or a hooker rotting in a dumpster.
Fuck this movie!!
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