5.9 stars (of 10)
Sucker Punch [2011]
"I would recommend this movie to anyone who lives fast paced, jaw dropping action sequences, and cares fuck all about story. If you're into hot girl's with guns, this is the movie for you!"
Let me just start out by saying what this movie is not: Epic.
This movie, for all it's hype, all it's flashy lights and CG, was simply terrible. Total let down, probably the biggest of the year. I don't know why I expected different. Yes, there were some absolutely mind blowing scenes, with graphics and action that will make any straight guy cream themselves (seriously Rocket - far left - is smoking hot, she needs a spin off), but what's missing is...well...everything else.
This movie was one that I was hugely psyched for when I showed up for the early pre-screening in 2011. It starts out [Yes this will have some minor 'spoilers'] in like the 40s or 50s or something with a whinny little bitch watching her parents die. Whoa is her, raped yatta yatta, we get it. Anyhow, she ends up in a mental ward (See Shutter Island) with a bunch of poorly nick named fantasy babes that basically are there as nothing but eye candy (I'm pretty sure one may have been named candy or something I don't even know. Sweatpea I think was her name? Baby Doll? I mean, get real...)
Fast Forward to the absolutely LAME excuse for why she's in fantasy la-la land (some shit about a dream or abuse or meditation and stress? Who the fuck even cares yo). If I had to say what this movie WAS as opposed to wasn't, I would say Schizophrenic. It was all over the fucking place. Granted, the girl (who's eyes we're seeing through) is schizophrenic (or something) but that's no excuse for poor writing and directing. Look...I thought the movie was survivable, but only because of some of the cool graphics.
There are like 15 different stories, all about 15 minutes long. It felt like watching 10 really well put together short films on youtube. The story was garbage, like indescribably terrible and the acting was just as poor. Everything felt super forced. The only redeeming factors were the extremely brief moments of pure epicness or explosions, or the nazi zombies.
But you know what? I just couldn't get into a story about a bunch of 18 - 25yo odd skanks dressing up like it's Halloween and shooting things. It just felt wrong, and worse it felt super rushed. You never had time to enjoy anything. It was like watching the final epic scenes to several movies without ever having time to care about any of them. Woo! You killed the dragon! Woo! You stopped the bomb! Woo! You escaped the giant robots! Woo! You killed hitler or some shit... It was nonstop action 99mph and it never let you catch up. How was it able to go this fast you might ask? Simple. There was no story.
I wish Inception was mixed with this movie. What I mean by that is simple; If Inception, as convoluted a cluster fuck as that was had been mixed with this films elements of FANTASY (the genera) and used its action scenes, like flying dragons and orcs and nazi zombies, I'd have fallen in love with Inception. Inception just felt like a dreary chase movie (it was good though), and this just felt like a clusterfuck of video game advertisements.
By the time the ending comes, you're wondering what the shit you just watched. I mean, you know you should some cool shit, but you're like....duhfuq? It's like, honestly....did you even try to make a story? Or did you just take ANY EXCUSE to throw random fight scenes with robots and hot girls onto a screen?
Was this movie in 3D? I don't even remember.
Anyway, my final assessment is this.
Watch this movie. Try to enjoy it. It's got some really cool scenes, but understand you're watching a smorgasbord or concept designs mashed together so haphazardly and quickly you'll feel like the director is laughing at you.
All bullshit aside, this movie sucked, but someone still falls into the category of
"Yeah, you have to watch it..."
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